Radical

I recently finished reading the book Radical by David Platt. It's a good book, very challenging but I'd encourage you to read it. That's not why I'm writing about the book though. Here's why I'm writing. The author, a pastor of a mega church in the south, has traveled multiple times overseas to serve and led a huge church to revival...and he's the same age as I am. That makes me ponder my last 33 years. Have I made any sort of impact on the world for Christ at all? My husband tells me that attempting to rear three Godly children in today's society will make an impact on the world. Somehow it doesn't seem close enough. I'm impatient enough to want to see results sooner than the impact they potentially could make down the road. I'm inspired to find ways of making my time here count.

First blog this year

I had such good intentions of blogging more. I didn't think my first blog this year would be at the end of June. But then again my life is rarely what I plan so I should be used to it by now.

So looking through my blog list I found a number of blogs that hadn't been published yet, but I wrote last year. So I'm publishing some of them now, but that still makes this my first blog of this year.

It's quiet today. Kids are all reading books and laying low. My son and one daughter are feeling ill so that might be part of it. I enjoy the quiet-gives me time to think and do other things. I've been preparing my school stuff for next year. We've only been out of school for a week but I like to be prepared! Okay so off I go to do some other things while it's quiet and I still can.

I've spent many years getting just "close enough" to the people in my life. I'd say I've gotten pretty good at letting people see enough of me to have them believe we are close but far enough away that I don't feel vulnerable. Well that's all about to change. I wish I could say it's by revelation of healthier living but unfortunately this isn't my choice. I'm about to move back  in with my parents after not having lived with them for over a decade. My husband got laid off and we have nowhere else to go. This is an uncertain time in my life-both financially and relationally. Not only will we be living with my parents but my ailing grandparents will be moving in at the same time. Change is imminent whether it's asked for or not.

Procrastinating

Yesterday was anti-procrastination day, so today I get to procrastinate, right?

Written 10/20/11

Questioning God

If you could ask just one question of God, what would it be? That's a question that was recently posted on facebook. As I read through 126 comments I was struck with the similarity of the questions. There were three themes to what people wanted to know of God. The first was, why do bad things happen? The second was when are You coming back? The third was, what is your purpose for my life.

I have found myself asking those same three questions of God at random times throughout my life. I've settled the questions of why God let's bad things happen, and when is He returning home. I am currently camped at the "what is your purpose for my life" question. Just when I think I have some sort of understanding, I'm hit with another blow that seems to prove me wrong. I want so badly to do God's will for my life, but sometimes it seems so elusive. If only I knew what it was, I'd do it.

Regardless of all the questions, come Lord Jesus, come!

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I started reading He Loves Me for the second time. The first chapter talks about how most people use the daisy-petal method of determining how God feels about us at any given time. I, for one, am very guilty of doing this. For example, my husband got the job he wanted=He loves me, our house for sale hasn't sold for a year and a half now=He loves me not, I got pregnant=He loves me, I got sick=He loves me not; husband is losing his job=He loves me not, etc. Although there are many problems with this method it also gives me plenty of "evidence" that it's possible to and I should try to earn God's favor. I really must not pay attention when I read the Bible because that theology is in contrast to what it says. Some days it's just harder to trust God than other days...today is one of those days.

Built-in time to blog

My husband and I decided the other day to have the kids journal what they learned in homeschooling each day. I realized that this would be a good scheduled opportunity for me to blog. I haven't been regular about posting blogs lately and so much has been going on. My daughter is now 5 weeks old. Time goes so quickly and sometimes I look at my older children and am struck by how old they are and how soon it will be before they are grown and moving out.

My son is such an intellectual child with a sensitive streak. He desires to please. Recently he's become more of a stereotypical boy by jumping off the walls and flipping pencils off the table. He is so gentle with his baby sister though. He wants to be a dad when he grows up and I can tell he will be a wonderful father when he's older.

My daughter is so very different than I. In many ways, she's who I always wanted to be. She's a gifted dancer and singer. She paints and draws with reckless abandon. She lives life fully and doesn't let anyone slow her down. Of course as her mom it drives me crazy at times! I don't know how to harness her energy in a healthy way. I pray God gives extra grace as I fail her.

My infant's personality is hard to see right now but she is wonderful! I'm extremely blessed to have added another arrow in my quiver! Never more than with small babies do I see how inter-relational God made us all. She does everything in her power to be and remain in my arms-since I am her sole source of food. It's an honor to be a mother and I believe a calling above all others.

It would be so much harder to be a good mother without the support and love of a good husband. My husband is under excruciating stress with the job hunt, moving, etc. He calls it a mid-life crisis. At least he isn't calling it life in general! Could always be worse. :)

When it rains, it pours.

So much transpired since last I wrote that I don't know where to begin. Life certainly takes sharp sudden turns-I can barely keep up. Some events have been good, others I'm still looking for the silver lining but all of them have been life altering. Not one for change with a penchant toward control-freakism, I find myself at a loss in how to handle the shifts. Fortunately, I can blog to work through some of these worries.

So in the following posts expect to see blogs with these themes:

My husband's company

I had my daughter

Moving and life beyond LR

House issues

Choosing to believe Isa. 14:24

Thanks for your patience as I deal with the happenings of my life.

Less than three weeks to go

My due date is just under three weeks away. I'm so excited about getting to meet my new little bundle of joy! I find that the closer I get to her arrival the more fear I experience. I know my hormones are all in a jumble, yet it seems more than that. I haven't really let myself get excited about this baby. I have mere weeks and I'm admitting that I'm still scared that I'll lose her. I heard recently of a friend's friend having lost her baby in her 36th week-exactly the week I was when I heard it. I know that ultimately I am not in control of life. Since I can't control it, I think that it won't work out like I want it to. Which is sad, because I want to be able to trust in a great plan that is better than mine and much bigger. I know though that the second I see this baby for the very first time all fears will be silenced and I will just bask in my ever-expanding love for this brand new person. Hey, sounds like I'm letting myself get excited after all!

I still have a choice

I like to be nice. But not as much when I'm forced to. That said, traffic is always hit or miss with my being nice. Regardless of whether I'm in a hurry or not, i want the choice to be nice. So when people cut me off, I don't want to be nice, but rather ride their bumper to prove there wasn't room for them to squeeze in. Never more than driving do I see the "all about me" mentality. On the other side though, when someone puts their blinker on and waits for me to back up to let them in, I enjoy being nice. I've always said that I like to be nice when I'm given the choice. What I'm realizing though is that I always have a choice. I have a choice to be nice when it's easy but I have that same choice when it's more difficult or I don't want to. It's good for me to realize that other drivers (people) do not dictate whether or not I have a choice in my responses. Sometimes it's just those "duh" moments when something finally clicks!

Life as I know it...

...is about to change-drastically! In just a few shorts weeks my family of four will be joined by this little bun in the oven. I'm really excited about her arrival! There was a day not too long ago that having another child would have been completely off the table. For one, I got really sick with my first two and vowed never to have any more of my own children. More importantly though, I wasn't in a place where I would have been able to care for and love another addition to our family. I have enough pride to think that this life of mine is all about me. Well, it isn't and I know that now. It's been a difficult lesson to learn and this far into it I am happy to have learned it. I've had to admit that I'm too selfish sometimes to be a good mom. And being a good mom is my goal. I'm saddened by the state of children today: left alone, given freedom without boundaries, no discipline. Those children are unruly, overweight and terrors to be around! I have to spend a lot of time with my children and I'd really like to enjoy being around them! I'd like them to be a blessing to others as well. I don't enjoy being around most children these days-including mine at times. But when my children are acting the worst is when I am being most self-centered and lazy. I'm working to lead by example, so hopefully as I change my ways, those around me will follow suit. And if not, at least I'll enjoy being around myself when I'm not selfish and lazy!

Not all dog people

We went to visit my parents last weekend. They have dogs. That fact has always been a sore spot for me. Now I know it sounds childish, but they view their (newly acquired) pets as part of the family. And not just any part of the family-an integral part of the family. For example, while in the middle of a somewhat serious conversation my mom interrupts to tell my dad that one of the dogs has a leaf on his lip that he can't get off. It effectively ended the conversation. I don't think she was trying to end the conversation, and I even think that her goal wasn't to be rude. My mom reminds me of a new parent who can't sit though a normal conversation without being constantly distracted with something the baby is doing.

It's probably not fair that I'm bothered by this. I don't care that it may not be fair-I feel put out, like I'm less important than her dogs. Not only am I and my husband less important, but my children as well. They got on to my daughter for accidentally bumping one of their dogs under the chin with a hoola hoop. They got bothered that she didn't immediately throw down the hoop and apologize to the dog. It's a dog! He didn't get hurt-he unhooked his chin and went about his business. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn here. Unhook my chin so to speak and just let it go. And perhaps that's the goal, but right now I don't like feeling like to them my family is less important than their pets.

In the past I've said that I don't like dogs. But I realized something on this trip and that is, I don't like certain types of dog people. Not all people act like that and certainly the dogs haven't done anything to deserve my blaming them. I might have just fallen very close to the tree, and think the world revolves around me. I hope I break the cycle just enough to see animals as pets and not as more important than my family.

Last minute rescue

I'm a great chef! I love cooking and baking and taking leftovers and turning them into something deliciously different the next day. It's fun for me. Sometimes though after I've put something in the oven I forget about it. I get caught up with other activities or walk too far from the timer to hear it sound.

I'm thankful that God is nothing like me! Although He is life's master "chef", He keeps His eye constantly on me while I'm in the "oven" and takes me out at the exact moment that is perfect. Perfect moments can feel like a last-minute rescue. Heat I'd prefer not to spend any time in, is exactly what I need to be complete. Too often I lack faith in God because I give Him human characteristics. He isn't me and never will be. He doesn't walk away from the "oven" or trials in my life leaving me there and forgetting me. Just the opposite in fact!

Why must I revisit this trust issue so often? He proves Himself to be 100% trustworthy time and time again. In fact, something I've just realized is that He trusts me when I've proven to not be 100% trustworthy all the time. Yet again I think God is like me and can't truly be trusted all the time. He can. As I continue on this journey of life with Him, I pray I see Him more for who He really is and find myself becoming more like Him. That's the best way for me to understand Him better: spend time with Him and emulate His ways.

At least there's a plan in place! Now to living that plan today...onward!

Spiritual Bulimia

I'm surrounded by a plethora of opportunities to learn, hear and grow in spirituality. I'm reading a terrific book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love, in a Bible study on the book of Jonah by Priscilla Shirer, teaching Bible to my children during homeschooling, attend a Christian-based 12-step program, watch Beth Moore online. Literally I'm surrounded by people, books, websites, churches, blogs, etc who can and do often point me to God. God Himself shows me who He is through His handiwork of creation.

More often than not, after reading something or watching something I'm struck with just how big God is and how much I need to just let go and trust God in all things. The Bible of course and many other books confirm this, people live lives of peace and tranquility, I KNOW I should and want to do this. I even get application tools. I feel sometimes like I have spiritual bulimia because feels like I take it all in and then just throw it up. I over fill my spiritual stomach and without knowing how to process through it all, I just get rid of it. I know that's a graphic word picture but I'm not going to apologize for using it. It's dangerous and addictive.

Lately I've been trying my best to slow down and take smaller "bites" of spiritual food to really digest them. Truly I want God to change me from the inside out and He is. One day I will have more faith and trust, but for today I'm thankful I have been given enough to get through this minute, asking each minute for the ability to get through the next. I certainly don't need extra stuff to cart around, so I'm choosing to be thankful to get only what I need when I need it.

Progress doesn't always take me in the direction I want to go

To fix my TMJ issues, my doctor put me in braces earlier this year. It really feels like one step forward, two steps back. Movement of my teeth is supposed to be a good thing. When I went to my appointment yesterday the doctor took a couple steps back and we have to re-do something we've already done. Progress was made, but it was the wrong direction.

So many times in my life I view progress as a sign of growth and improvement. Certainly not stagnant but not always a good thing. I'm often satisfied enough just to see movement-not paying much attention to the direction of the movement. Eventually I notice that I'm not where I thought I should be and correct it, spending time and energy on keeping busy. At some point in the near future I hope to be happy with small movements in the right direction as opposed to lots of movement in any direction.

Good to be back

I have had great plans to keep blogging throughout this pregnancy. Yet since I've not blogged since before I got pregnant, I don't think I'm doing that great. :) But I'm jumping in right where I am and starting now!

Today I'm 32 weeks pregnant! I've started feeling sick and tired-again. But I have encouragement knowing that I'm closer to the end than the beginning. Baby is getting very active and I'm looking to see her personality even now. I think she may have dropped because just a couple days ago it felt like she had more room in there somehow.

Anyway, on to non-baby news. I am starting the fourth week of homeschooling my children. They are still excited although we have battled health issues that slow us down. It's nice knowing that I can just do the teaching work as we feel up to it. Maybe after summer, I'll get a little more structured, as I tend to do better with a schedule. But we will just see how it goes.

I'm going to do my best to get back to blogging more, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't! :)

Ta ta for now.

Tough Decisions for Thanksgiving

Someone I know well, a teammate, lost hope-lost so much hope that he gave up on his life. I wonder if there was anything I could have done to prevent his doing what he did. Perhaps if I’d emailed or texted him more, or just asked how things were going, or something that maybe he wouldn’t have made the choice he made. I wanted to go to the memorial service, I really did. Yet I didn’t attend the service, but heard about it from someone who was there. I’m crying now-and I was trying so hard not to. But it’s good to get emotions out though and not bottle them up. I’ve had waves of sadness since I heard the news. All the good memories I shared with him, the laughter and fun come in waves as well. It’s taking me a while to work through what I feel and my place in it all. 

I mentioned that I’d wanted to attend the funeral service, but made the decision not to return to Nebraska in favor of heading east to see my friend and sister over Thanksgiving holiday. I chose, and I’m sure my deceased teammate would have approved, to embrace the lives of the loved ones still here-while there is still time. Our lives are but a breath a mere shadow.

On a bit of a somber note, we headed to see my best friend's place whom I haven’t seen in 9 years. It was a joyous time of acquainting each other with our growing families. From there, we stopped to see a friend from Nebraska, who moved a week before we did. He was another of my teammates, in fact, he, our departed friend and I played on many co-ed four person volleyball teams. I enjoyed myself immensely seeing him in his new town and settling in nicely. We reminisced about volleyball times of yore. Saddened by the loss of our friend, we were encouraged to keep on keeping on. We arrived at my sister’s place next. I hadn’t been to her place in about 9 years, so it was so good to see the house her husband built. My sister is due with her 6th child in a couple weeks so it was fun to see her very pregnant. We enjoyed a festive Thanksgiving dinner and the children got lots of playtime outdoors. I am thrilled to be in the south again where the weather isn’t so cold and dreary during Thanksgiving.

We’re back home now, settling into a routine. I always want to remember though that life is short and I should never pass up the opportunity to strengthen my relationships. Because one can rarely tell on the outside what someone is feeling on the inside.

To know myself

I was upset yesterday. Maybe it isn't something that should have made me upset, but I allowed it to. Something needed to be address with another individual and I'm terrible at confrontation. I usually try to avoid it at all costs. The situation needed attention and if that was going to happen then I needed to do it. So I allowed myself to use my frustration to fuel the intrepidity to address the situation and not back down. My anger didn't make me yell or anything inappropriate it just spurred me on to do something that I deemed challenging. I was nervous and pretty much terrified. Trusting that I was doing the right thing, I spoke with the person over the phone. I thought it went well until mere minutes after we hung up the spouse called and chewed me out for accusing someone in his family of something. I recognized his need to vent and kept quiet until he was done yelling at me. I even asked forgiveness if what I said sounded accusatory. I stood my ground on the issue though. Neither of us was happy although he finally calmed down by the end of the conversation. 

My thoughts couldn't leave it at that though. I knew in my head that addressing the situation wasn't wrong. I also knew that his defensiveness was covering the fact that he and his family got caught in a lie, so he was trying to turn it around and put me in the wrong. My head knew one thing but my heart kept repeating over and over that I did something wrong. Now, I believe in my conscience alerting me to right versus wrong and convicting me. This was different though. This felt more like when I turned someone in at school for cheating (yes, I was that type) and then felt badly that I did. I'm not sure if I lamented the fact that now they were mad at me- or more that I felt badly for getting someone in trouble. What I'd done wasn't wrong in fact it was right, but I felt guilty. Ironic how the world turns those things around and encourages the person in the right to feel badly for having done right. I've gotten off track for a minute let me get back to where I was headed with this. 

After the phone call (I was at work mind you) my co-worker made a comment about thinking someone had interfered with our ability to complete our work. My response to his comment: "Oh, they better not have. In the mood I'm in, I'll rip them to shreds if they did." The worst part about it was that I was serious. So I wonder why do I have to be in a negative state of mind to address things that need addressing? If something needs to be said, then it needs to be said whatever my mood. Reverse is also true, if it doesn't need to be said then it shouldn't be said regardless of my mood. When did I start letting my mood affect what I will say, to whom and when? That's not the person I want to be. 

On the bright side there was a day when I wouldn't have noticed anything wrong with what I said. So I continue to marvel at how far God has brought me! This journey brings a lot of self awareness and with it pain. I'm encouraged though, because I read once that God won't bring to your awareness something unless His is ready to work on it. I've seen lots of changes in me already and know He will bring me through this as well. I know I'll mess up, but there's plenty of grace-for me and the angry spouse in the above situation.

Disciple

As I was answering my Bible study questions today, I was thinking about how the role of music has such an impact on my life. How so often I feel a certain way, but can’t explain it, but then I’ll hear a song on the radio and think, “Yes, that’s exactly how I feel.” I’m so thankful that through these songs I can voice how I feel and where I am in my journey of life. There are so many great songs out there these days! I’m thankful for the opportunity to hear the stories of the authors of these songs. It encourages me that others have felt the same ways I’ve felt and have come through it better off. So here’s another song I’d like to share. It’s called Dear X (you don’t own me) by Disciple.

Dear X (you don’t own me) 

Dear pain, oh, it’s been a long time

Remember when you were awake holding me tight

I would stay awake with you all night

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms

You were there when it all fell apart

I would get so lost in your beautiful lies

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead

You’re never gonna take me

You can bend

But you’re never gonna break me

I was yours

I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Dear hate, I know you’re not far

You would wait at the door of my heart

I was amazed at the passion in your cries

Dear anger, you made me so high

You were faithful to show up on time

Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead

You’re never gonna take me

You can bend

But you’re never gonna break me

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you’ve got no bullet

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

You tempted me to look back

But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead

You’re never gonna take me

You can bend

But you’re never gonna break me

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you’ve got no bullet

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you’ve got no bullet

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

The Blessing Of Trust

I was talking with a friend/co-worker the other day. No shocker there really :) but something was different this time. When the topic got more serious and the potential was there to get vulnerable, I didn't completely shut down. Now to hear it from the other person, I'm sure getting me to open up was like pulling teeth, but this is my blog now isn't it? So I'm going to tell the story from my point of view! 

I desire so badly to know people and be known by them. However there is the small hurdle of the fact I trust no one. More often than not, I put on the happy (enough) face and act like my world is fine. Most of the time it is these days, but sometimes it isn't. Even being honest about the fact that I'm not alright, is difficult. Much less sharing parts of me or my past that  I feel I will be judged for.

So it's progress that I was able to open up to this friend. It was such an honor and privilege for her to show trust in me by sharing some of her story. Lately, I'm being more honest with myself and others and I find that the people around me are more honest with me. Do you think maybe it's a two-way street-that the more honest I am I will encourage others around me to be more honest? But that means the opposite could also be true-the more I hide from others the more they hide from me. Which of course exacerbates the problem and creates a defeating cycle.

Well I suppose it's all about baby steps. It took courage and bravery and strength for me to open up and risk trusting someone. I'm sure it took the same for her to open up with me. I am getting somewhere in the journey of life!

*********
Freesia is the flower that represents trust.