Where has the time gone?

"Just remember, in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies a seed, that with the sun's love, in the spring becomes a rose." Some Say Love lyrics
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Wow, has it really been more than two weeks since I’ve written last? I’ve been catching up on other things. But I’ve missed writing. I ran some errands today and when I came home I noticed growth. In front of our porch, tulips are starting to poke up their heads. I very much enjoy flowers-craving the sun and counting days until I can start my seedlings indoors! I forced some bulbs for the first time last year. I put my cherished bulbs into pots, then left them in the freezer to have them bloom earlier than they would in the ground. I failed to water them...so when I pulled them out, well they aren’t doing so good. A number of the pots have mold growing on them or around the bulbs, others just aren’t responding. One pot however, has done well. Reminds me of the parable about seeds being planted in different soils. What makes this different is that they were all potted at the same time, with the same soil, into well-washed containers. But they are different bulbs. Makes me think that the conditions may be right, but if we plant the “wrong” bulb it simply won’t survive or thrive-or worse yet, it will. I’d probably have a more astounding interpretation to all of this, if I weren’t so darned tired. Typically I do quite a bit of analyzing. So this isn’t like me to leave a thought half-processed yet share it with you. Huh, that’s growth too. On that note, I’m going to pore over my seed catalogs and dream of warmer weather and longer days, with many a flower adorning my vases. Happy soon-to-be spring to you all!

Family Matters

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time." Sara Paddison
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I have a grandma. Most of us do, I know. I have few memories of her prior to 7 years of age when we moved to live closer to my maternal grandparents. I love her in the family way. You know, they’re family so you have to love them. Truth be told though, I’ve never really liked her. I have few good memories of her. I’m sure there were lots of good times through the years, somehow though other memories burn in my recollection. 

I love cats-always have. On my grandparents’ farm there lived many wild cats. I remember one time illness hit and almost all of them died. The ones that survived wanted even less to do with humans. My grandma doesn’t even know this, but I vividly remember watching through my bedroom window while my grandmother emotionlessly snapped the neck of a kitten and put it in the burn barrel. That image haunted me for years and will be forever etched into my minds’ eye. I was about nine years old, it hurt me. I never felt I could say anything. I’m sure as an adult I would be better able to grasp why what she did was necessary. I didn’t understand, nor wanted to, at the time.

I know that “hurt people, hurt people.” It’s hard to remember that when you’re the one being hurt at the time. When I was eleven or twelve my grandma (due to a misunderstanding) disowned my family. That was devastating. Weird thing though is that I find myself withdrawing from people much like she did. Even after my mom and she reconciled their relationship I’ve held back from knowing her. I live as though if I don’t let her close again, she can’t hurt me. Self-preservation, protection-likely justified, but still not healthy.

My grandma is very strong and opinionated. To her credit she does her best to do what she feels God would want her to do. I feel at times she is the extremist-especially in her harsh judge-mentalism (another trait I’ve inherited). I’ve made some stupid decisions in my life-some of which she whole-heartedly disagreed with. She (like I) has a hard time distinguishing the “sinner from the sin”. I always felt she didn’t love me when she didn’t like what I was doing. That’s my interpretation of her actions-I admit I’m often wrong. And fortunately, she’s quick to reinstate your status in the family when you “correct your behavior” (which in some cases means just make her happy).

I feel that so much of the baggage with my grandmother comes from the fact that I’m “just like her”. She has tons of great qualities:she sticks to her values, persistent, focused, gets stuff done. I like that I inherited those traits. For better or worse I’ve got the natural instincts to be like she is. At times I want to embrace it, but more often I have to fight off those unpleasant desires-choosing instead to pray for God’s direction in any given situation.

All that said, I’ve been “black listed” for a while now. My grandmother sent me a direct, lovingly honest email letting me know her side of all that’s transpired over the last many months. Basically letting me know that she forgives and loves me. I haven’t written back. I want to but somehow don’t have adequate words to express what I want to get across. I fear there may be a day soon when I won’t be able to communicate as easily as I do now. Growth is needed on my part...much work in the area of forgiveness. Pray God gives me the right words and the right timing.

Calling In - sick again

"...Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst." Apostle Paul in 1 Timothy 1:15

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I’m sitting here at the computer while my family is at church this morning without me. I know it should be terrible, but I don’t mind the peace and quiet. I’m feeling a little ill. In fact, I’ve been fighting a cold all week. My boss is very understanding, yet I had a hard time calling in sick to work. I work one night a week, yet somehow managed to call in sick twice this past week! How’d I manage that, you ask? Well, when I called in sick on my scheduled night I asked if I could make up those hours on a different night-on which I was still sick and had to call in again. Either I don’t want to let people down, or I think extremely highly of myself.

I battle sickness quite a bit and I never want people to question the validity of my ailment. Sounds so childish-I mean, I never remember skipping school, or claiming I was sick when I wasn’t so I could get out of doing something. But somehow it’s stuck. There’s one person in my past who used to “accuse” me of making it up. I didn’t. Why would I let one person’s opinion affect me every time I’m a bit under the weather? I wish I weren’t like that, but I do care what people think-sometimes a bit too much, I suppose. I’ll get over it-the sickness I mean, I’m not so sure about whether or not I’ll “get over” caring what people think about me. It is a great motivator...when it’s used correctly. 

I don’t think God minds that I’m calling in sick from going to church today. I’d prefer not to deal with the “religiosity” of church. At times, it feels like everyone is putting on their happiest “face” along with their best clothes and go try to impress each other. We’re all hurting in some way or another, why all the facade? I know we’re commanded to fellowship with other believers, and it’s great to sit under an inspired Biblical scholar. I’ve found church can distract me from communicating with God (see above where I care what people think). I’ve taken to downloading sermons from our old church in another state and listening to them slowly. By slowly I mean, really chewing on what’s being said, stop the ipod and pray about something God’s put on my heart and pondering the sermon afterward-as opposed to hearing it live wondering what’s for lunch. Okay, so maybe I’m the only person who doesn’t go home after church and think on the things I just heard. Somehow life gets involved and I find myself getting lunch and dealing with the kids and not spending the time I want to listening to what God desires to tell me. I talk with God all the time. Probably the real-est I’ve ever been with Him. I know He’d prefer (and deserves) my undivided attention when He’s trying to share something with me. I pray I always find time for that-be it in the church surrounded by people, or being in the desert surrounded by creation. Caring what God knows of me continues to be the absolute best motivator for lasting change.

All in a name

"Names are an important key to what a society values. Anthropologists recognize naming as 'one of the chief methods for imposing order on perception'." David S. Slawson
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I’d say I have an unusual name. It’s really not all that common and it’s spelled funny. I’ve always like my name, and been proud to have a rare name. Of course I couldn’t ever find knick-knacks with my name, you know little license plates or key rings. I ran a search for my (maiden) name recently-one on the great world wide web; the other on Facebook (of which I am a member). I can’t find myself. I can find other people with “my” name. In fact, there’s a lady named in quite a few in relation to Walt Disney World. I’m shallow enough not to have read the article, but it looked like she does some cool things. But where am I? Surely though I’d be on Facebook, but just typing in my first and last maiden names it found some other girl! What gives?

Truth be told, I’ve always loved my sister’s name. Not necessarily more than my own, but definitely up there. My older sister, isn’t online. Living in a beautiful state with five energetic children, why would she stay on the computer much. But anyway, I googled her name and she’s on the first page. Older and first at everything! She’s actually listed on her high schools track records page. I’m still proud of her. 

It’s amazing how much time and thought goes into naming a child. I’ve known people who knew what their children’s names would be before they ever met their husbands. I’ve known people who wait until the child is born to see what name would fit what the child looks like. I’ve known people everywhere in between. 

Apparently in my case, unless I am a super-star track runner (nearing 15 years later mind you) like my sister, I’ll likely be overlooked in the great web engine searches-no matter my name. ‘Tis a shame the fame is wasted on those who aren’t even noticing. <wink>