No news isn't always good news

I’m discouraged, losing heart and really, really want to run away! My husband and I spoke with a lawyer today-about that whole dentist issue. It wasn’t very good. I’ll roughly quote him: “You won’t likely find a lawyer in this town to deal with this. I sure won’t because he’s my dentist.” Not looking so good. I did manage to hold off that torrential flood of tears until after we left his office. That’s how our judicial system works...the innocent ones get walked on and have to take it. There’s little we can do at this point that won’t cost more than what we’re trying to get back from the guy. Ahh America, where the pervert continues to victimize his clients and the victims get hushed, so he can continue his violations. As to the lawyer, can anyone say “second opinion”? 

*****

"By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning." Lao-Tzu

A New Perspective

We all have our quirks. I moved around a lot growing up. If my calculations are correct I attended 14 schools in 12 years. From very early on, I’ve felt the need to rearrange my surroundings. Whether it be furniture or bedrooms or wall hangings, matters not-what matters is that everything must be different. I’ve chalked that up to moving around a lot and living with parents (both from military families) who also moved a lot growing up. My dad was military so my parents continued to move quite a bit. I’ve never seen this as more than a quirk. 

I read something recently that got me to thinking about the whys behind that desire. I’m going to quote from a book here. I’m guessing that this will be copyright infringement, but I really feel the need to share this with you. It comes from a book of short devotional/inspirational type “chapters” geared toward moms. Anyway, it touches on this “need” in a way I’ve not thought of. Here it is:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From Graham Crackers Galoshes and God by Bernadette McCarver Snyder

    "Yes, I know. It's [garage sale-ing] a MADNESS, a craving. I should kick the habit and give up garages. But even now, in the clean white snow of winter, I long for a dark dirty garage with a SALE sign on it!

    Dear Lord, why do we always yearn for MORE? My house is full of ten-cent treasures, so why do I have the itchy-finger virus, always looking for MORE? My closet is full of clothes (some that fit, some that don't), so why do I always think one more outfit might make me look ten pounds thinner? Forgive my love of shopping, my need to change things around, my plotting and planning to do something DIFFERENT. Maybe it's a sign, Lord, of my yearning for YOU. In always searching, maybe it is You I am searching for. ***My need to change the house may be a symbol of my inner need to change myself.*** My need to add to my possessions may be a result of my need to possess YOU more. Help me sort out my priorities, Lord. Help me empty my life a bit, so I will have more time for prayer and more room to be filled by thoughts of you.

    But forgive me, Lord, if my car automatically turns in at a garage sale once in a while. Woman does not live by prayer alone."

***italics mine***

__________________________________________________________________________________

Good times Great Volleyball!!

My four-person co-ed volleyball team won the championship recently! We enjoyed a great lunch yesterday-taking liberties as we remembered our wins. As one team mate quoted, “History is written by the victor.” So we rehashed the games and how great we are. A very humble group if I do say so myself. It was a wonderful time to acquaint myself with my team mates off the court! 

Colored Chicks for Easter

My son is out of school today and Monday for Easter vacation. I remembered that a friend called me a couple weeks ago and mentioned that the local mercantile had their colored Easter chicks in stock. So I packed the kids up just before lunch and headed over to the mercantile to check them out. The kids really loved all the brightly colored chicks and not-so-brightly-colored ducklings. We asked what it would take to care for chickens, and after a five minute conversation we learned all we needed to-that it wasn’t legal for us to have chickens in the city. Oh well, they were still fun to look at! Happy Easter to you all!

Small-town Dynamics

"Be not deceived; God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Galatians 6:7
*******

Although the last blog was embarrassing, this one will be downright awkward and uncomfortable! The weak or judgmental need not read further.

For the rest of you, please know that I’m sharing my heart and the raw fear and pain that dwells there. I don’t even know where to start, so very “me-style”, I’ll just start blurting it all out.

I live in a small town. Where everyone knows everything about everyone else. Lots of gossip, but nobody wants to step on toes. Because surely the grocer knows the pharmacist knows the preacher knows the doctor...and seems like in this town they’re all related somehow! I’ve never been bothered by that fact, until recently.

I want to be vague here to not offend anyone, but it is my blog so if people figure out what I’m talking about then it’s not slander, right? I suppose it would be right to say that I’m just stating my experiences and am in no way trying to ruin the reputation of anyone I may be talking about. That’s not really true though because I’d like to see this person hurt...and badly! But if I have any lawyers reading this, please tell me if I can’t say these things and I will edit them.

Back to my story. I’ve been seeing a dentist who’s been helping with my TMJ issues. This doctor takes liberties in how familiarly he speaks with me. I assume he’s that way with all of his clients and I’ve chalked it up to the fact that it’s a small town and maybe he didn’t go to his “professionalism” class in college. At any rate, he’s had conversations with me that made me uncomfortable and I felt were unprofessional. I hadn’t said anything because he’s the only doctor in a four hour radius that does this type of treatment. Well, one day he crossed the line by looking down my shirt while massaging my shoulders under the shirt. I immediately felt violated but too shocked to say anything. I cried as soon as I got in the van after the appointment. I didn’t know what to do. I told myself that I wouldn’t go back to him. That maybe what he did triggered something from my past, but wasn’t really all that bad. It’s the doctor-patient part that makes this so terrible. He’s using his position and chair to violate women. And I’m not the first. Thank you everyone who came forward AFTER something happened to tell me you aren’t surprised! Sigh.  Most of my life I’ve denied any abuse in my past, but in recent years God’s been trying to work to get me to deal with it. I’ve struggled, gained ground, given up, tried again, gotten angry or passive; mostly just shut down emotionally from having to deal with it. 

This time, as much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t just shut down emotionally and sweep it all under a rug. So after much debate, struggle, prompting, encouragement and support, I decided to confront this doctor about what he did. I didn’t want to burn bridges with others in the office, but I knew I had to say something. I prepared myself for him to deny everything. But more than anything else, I wanted him to have to look me in the eye when I told him I knew what he did and it was wrong. I felt empowered from having confronted him, but naively believed that would be the end of it. I also wanted a refund because I was discontinuing my treatment with him. Well, he gave me the names of a couple others (in another state mind you). I received my “refund” today and it was less than half of what I should have gotten back since I prepaid for two phases of this treatment and I was only maybe a third of the way through the first phase. I should have gotten more back. I don’t know what to do from here. 

Hopefully in blogs to come I’ll have a positive update on these goings on. At least that’s what I’m hoping. As it sits now, I have to pay 1)for treatment I didn’t receive, 2)emotionally for what he did, and 3)in suffering since my jaw is hurting because I have no doctor to see and no money to start over with another doctor. 

No one ever said life would be fair, but I’ve wanted to believe that it has to be fairer than this. Any of you out there who prays, please do so...I need it!

Shopping Extravaganza

It was likely the threat that I was going to buy a single, one-way ticket to Hawaii that encouraged my husband to offer me some time to myself. Maybe it was because I kept snapping at everybody. My life has definitely not turned out the way I expected...or even wanted. Granted most of that is my own doing. But some of it isn’t. 

Well, whichever the case, I was feeling particularly trapped at that time. My husband offered to have me go on a Saturday for an overnight. Go somewhere to get alone, do some shopping, think. I did that. I headed to some outlet malls about two and a half hours from here. I spent the entire day walking around, thinking, praying, worrying. I actually was looking for a long skirt. I don’t have many. My rebellious spirit “made me” throw all of them out after I finished college (where I was forced to wear them), but I’ve begun to realize that I enjoy wearing skirts. I’ve been wanting to change my image a little-be more on the outside who I think I am on the inside. There were a few other things I was looking for as well. 

Well, I did a lot of looking and not a whole lot of finding...at first. Somehow the more I spent time pondering the hard things in my life, the more I found things I wanted to buy. My usual coping mechanisms include, overeating and oversleeping, sports, and cleaning definitely not overspending-frugal would better describe me. Anyway, I didn’t really recognize that perhaps I was finding more things I wanted to buy as a way of coping with the hard things I was dealing with and thinking about. All I saw was that I was finally able to find a pair of adorable dress shoes that fit me, a very unique belt, the cutest handbag/purse, sunglasses that I liked and didn’t think they’d fall apart after one wearing, and a practical black top to match the fabric I planned to buy to make myself a long skirt, and a few other things I’d been searching for---all at 55% off or more! I was so excited. 

Pleased with my purchases, I decided to head home thinking I’d had enough time away from the kids. It was more likely that I’d had too much time to think about stuff I didn’t want to ponder. Happy that I’d get to make it to the blessing of a friends newborn at their church the next morning. I hadn’t replied to the invite so it was going to be a surprise when I showed up for it. Overall it was a good trip, although I didn’t keep a very good tally on what I’d spent. I don’t often buy things for myself, so the belt was replacing one I’ve had since junior high (yeah that’s a good 15 years ago at least). I’ve been looking for decent sunglasses. And it is frustratingly hard to find shoes I like, that fit and are comfortable. Or if I do buy myself something it is off the clearance rack at Walmart. I have a few items of quality-like that belt-which I’ve kept for decades, because I like them not because they are the trend. Okay yes, so I am justifying my spending choices.

Meanwhile back at the house, my husband had endured a trying day with the kids. Desperately trying to do something that would make me smile, he cleaned out my fountain that, while it was turned off, had algae growing on it. He felt guilty for buying cheap frozen pizzas for the kids and him to have that night for dinner, since we’ve been on a very tight budget since the beginning of the year. To say he was also stressed, doesn’t even come close to describe how he’s been feeling. So it didn’t sit well at all for me to come home with numerous bags from shopping. The fight that followed was among the worst of all of our fights. We’ve had plenty of bad ones, so that’s saying a lot. Perhaps, because we were both on edge, it got blown out of the water. 

Well, I couldn’t defend myself because he was right. I shouldn’t have spent any money-and just stuck with window shopping. Acting like a grade-schooler, I told him I’d never do anything for myself anymore and that I’d take everything back-well except the fabric (which I couldn’t return), CD (which I found later online for half of the price I paid) and the kites I bought the kids. I offered to take it back the next day. The next morning dawned-much too soon after that argument. The kids wanted to go with me to take everything back. I had to humbly explain how Mommy made some bad choices and needed to be more aware of our money and I shouldn’t have purchased the items in the first place. My husband (thinking I wasn’t really in the frame of mind to adequately care for the kids while running this errand) offered to go with us. We packed a picnic and set out. A very tense couple of hours. I returned everything I could. Gave the kids the picnic in the car. Found an oil change place next to a McDonald’s, then headed back. 

I don’t really know if I’ve learned my lesson because I still wish I’d kept most of those items. There is little I can do about it now, but in hindsight I would have done something differently. True to my word, I haven’t played volleyball since then. That’s “doing something for me”-and I am stubborn. I didn’t honor my commitment to not buy myself anything though. The other day, I found a couple tops (the $1-$3 clearance rack at Walmart of course) that will go with that fabric I wrote of earlier. 

It still hurts to think of this, much more to share it with you. But it’s what’s been going on. And it’s my blog so you’ll get the good, the bad and the ugly. 

That time of year again... TAXES!

I usually enjoy doing my taxes. Each February I eagerly await those W2’s and other tax papers so I can begin the process of preparing our taxes. It’s never been easy, but I like working with numbers. This year began the same...waiting for all the pertinent information to arrive. I typically use Turbo Tax, but this year things weren’t going right. I put in the numbers and what I owed kept going up-even after I put in deductions. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what to do. So like a good procrastinator (which I turn into when I don’t know what to do), I didn’t do anything. My friend asked me to help her with her taxes since she knows how much I love to do them, but I didn’t have the heart to help her. So she went to the free tax help at the library. She told me later that she was getting quite a sum returned. Then I knew I had to do something. So I went and got all the forms and instructions. Read through it all and had it finished, but wanted to make sure I did everything correctly so I showed up to get help at the library too. Going into it I owed about four hundred dollars. There were two women helping with taxes. I was second on the list so I got in first. Three others came and went with the other lady while I was being helped. The woman was very nice and helpful, and she decided to e-file for me instead of having me fill out new forms. I’m very thankful for her help-I wanted to make sure it was right. But when I walked out of there, I owed almost six hundred dollars. Still better than the almost one thousand that turbo tax said I owed. I knew I was going to owe but it was a bit disconcerting to walk out owing more than I expected. Better now than next year with interest! All said and done, they’re finished and the payments are in the mail-one more thing off my to-do list. Let’s hope next years taxes are better!

Making Friends

I’m trying to make more friends. Right now there are a handful of people I could call up and say, “Hey, it’s me” and they’d know who I was. Anyway, at work one night I was invited out the next Friday for a birthday celebration for a girl I work with. I work nights at the distribution center so there seems to be a sense of camaraderie with us women. Anyway I gave her my number and she said she’d call Friday with the details, mentioning her plan was to start at a specific bar and then bar hop a bit and end up at the bar with a club for dancing. (I know, I live in a small town with tons of bars! People in the next state actually come here to go to our club to dance.) 

The night of her birthday party, I didn’t get a call. But since I dressed up (which is rare these days), I decided that surely I’d find them if I went to all the bars. So I went out by myself to the bars. That’s a first for me. Normally I call a friend to see if she’s going out or to see if we can meet. We’re stronger in numbers you know. So this was a break through for me to do this alone. I showed up at the bar and felt pretty stupid walking around looking at everyone. So I got a drink (trying not to look too conspicuous) and sat down. 

What followed is a reminder why I don’t go to bars alone. Every guy in the room (and it didn’t matter if they were with a girl or not) followed me with their heads/eyes. Ah just like Mexico! So one guy I’ll not soon forget, short fat and ugly, walked up and said, “Damn girl, you hot!” When I walked off he turned to his buddies and lamented that “it didn’t work”. Buddy, you really thought it would?!? Sitting at the bar didn’t help, so I sat at a table. A “business man” from out of state sat down. He proceeded to tell me that he was making great money selling Kirby vacuums door-to-door here. I commented that there was a lot of dust around here. To which he replied, “Nah, it’s just ‘cause I jack the prices way up out here. Can’t do that where I live.” A great salesman, like a great magician, should never tell his secrets. I quickly finished my Mai Tai and moved on to the next bar. 

Disappointment settled in when I didn’t find them there and heard that the club was closed. Conclusion: I never did find the birthday girl to celebrate with her. 

My moral to this story is ...well there is no moral. I’ll just have to make sure I get the other person’s number as well and check where they are before leaving the house! I’m beginning to think good friends are hard to come by. Makes it even harder to make girl friends when their guys are checking me out...I’m not the competition ladies. Trust me, I’m not!

Saddled with Decision

This title is very descriptive of my last couple of weeks. But I’m here to say that I lived through it all and I’m getting back on the saddle again! I’ve not been writing much on my blog partly because I’ve been busy living things I’ll want to blog about and partly because all of two people read this (that I know of), and those two I talk to on a regular basis. One friends commented recently that I’ve never mentioned her in my blogs-aha, a fan! Don’t worry, my friend, I will. Tee hee. I’m uncertain why it bothers me that few people read this blog. I say I blog for myself, so I shouldn’t be bothered. Thing is though, I’m making assumptions based solely on information I have-definitely not all the information. My sister sent me an email yesterday and she mentioned that she checks the blog and that I haven’t written in a while. Tons has been going on so I’ll break it down into bite-sized chunks, and post them as I can. Planning to do that the next couple of days because the weather is turning bad again. Thank you friend, for reminding me not to forget my cyber-fan! 

It's been years...

...since I’ve used my sewing machine on a regular basis. I know it’s been since college (I was a home economics major). I decided about a month ago to make my daughter a dress for Easter. Why I got this notion in my head I’ll never know. Well, I take that back, I remember a photo of my mom, sister and me wearing matching Easter dresses when I was about six. I’d like to be that kind of Mom. Maybe I should have thought about doing this sooner. Maybe I should have bought a pattern as opposed to trusting the image in my head. It turned out differently than I’d envisioned. My machine and I disagreed on how to handle the delicate chiffon fabric that’s over the satin dress. The machine wanted to tear it up, I didn’t. So rather than hand sew the entire overlay of chiffon, my daughter was pleased with having the strips of chiffon over the front lower portion of the dress. Ah compromise...and I’m okay that it’ll likely only last one wearing. Now, just to keep her from it until Sunday or at least the photo of her in it!

My son's first soccer game

How fun is it to watch my five-year-old play on a soccer league? Very fun! They’ve had their first game and my son had such fun. I enjoyed talking with a friend, while trying to keep from laughing. Those little ones did their best but more often than not they were headed to the wrong goal. I’m thrilled that my son wanted to play soccer (like daddy), and also that his daddy is his coach. Makes for some good family fun. I’ve got black-mail footage of my husband the coach at the team’s first practice. Great to see him hopping like a bunny and telling the kids to act like carrots. Yeah, so maybe you had to be there-which you will be when I can get those posted...on youtube.com of course! Ha, I think he’d kill me. During the game, my daughter ran around the spacious field with her best friend. Both of my children were worn out at the end of the day. And anything that can wear them out...well, I’m all for it! And it's a great memory to have that my son won his very first soccer game!