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Although the last blog was embarrassing, this one will be downright awkward and uncomfortable! The weak or judgmental need not read further.
For the rest of you, please know that I’m sharing my heart and the raw fear and pain that dwells there. I don’t even know where to start, so very “me-style”, I’ll just start blurting it all out.
I live in a small town. Where everyone knows everything about everyone else. Lots of gossip, but nobody wants to step on toes. Because surely the grocer knows the pharmacist knows the preacher knows the doctor...and seems like in this town they’re all related somehow! I’ve never been bothered by that fact, until recently.
I want to be vague here to not offend anyone, but it is my blog so if people figure out what I’m talking about then it’s not slander, right? I suppose it would be right to say that I’m just stating my experiences and am in no way trying to ruin the reputation of anyone I may be talking about. That’s not really true though because I’d like to see this person hurt...and badly! But if I have any lawyers reading this, please tell me if I can’t say these things and I will edit them.
Back to my story. I’ve been seeing a dentist who’s been helping with my TMJ issues. This doctor takes liberties in how familiarly he speaks with me. I assume he’s that way with all of his clients and I’ve chalked it up to the fact that it’s a small town and maybe he didn’t go to his “professionalism” class in college. At any rate, he’s had conversations with me that made me uncomfortable and I felt were unprofessional. I hadn’t said anything because he’s the only doctor in a four hour radius that does this type of treatment. Well, one day he crossed the line by looking down my shirt while massaging my shoulders under the shirt. I immediately felt violated but too shocked to say anything. I cried as soon as I got in the van after the appointment. I didn’t know what to do. I told myself that I wouldn’t go back to him. That maybe what he did triggered something from my past, but wasn’t really all that bad. It’s the doctor-patient part that makes this so terrible. He’s using his position and chair to violate women. And I’m not the first. Thank you everyone who came forward AFTER something happened to tell me you aren’t surprised! Sigh. Most of my life I’ve denied any abuse in my past, but in recent years God’s been trying to work to get me to deal with it. I’ve struggled, gained ground, given up, tried again, gotten angry or passive; mostly just shut down emotionally from having to deal with it.
This time, as much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t just shut down emotionally and sweep it all under a rug. So after much debate, struggle, prompting, encouragement and support, I decided to confront this doctor about what he did. I didn’t want to burn bridges with others in the office, but I knew I had to say something. I prepared myself for him to deny everything. But more than anything else, I wanted him to have to look me in the eye when I told him I knew what he did and it was wrong. I felt empowered from having confronted him, but naively believed that would be the end of it. I also wanted a refund because I was discontinuing my treatment with him. Well, he gave me the names of a couple others (in another state mind you). I received my “refund” today and it was less than half of what I should have gotten back since I prepaid for two phases of this treatment and I was only maybe a third of the way through the first phase. I should have gotten more back. I don’t know what to do from here.
Hopefully in blogs to come I’ll have a positive update on these goings on. At least that’s what I’m hoping. As it sits now, I have to pay 1)for treatment I didn’t receive, 2)emotionally for what he did, and 3)in suffering since my jaw is hurting because I have no doctor to see and no money to start over with another doctor.
No one ever said life would be fair, but I’ve wanted to believe that it has to be fairer than this. Any of you out there who prays, please do so...I need it!
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