Tough Decisions for Thanksgiving

Someone I know well, a teammate, lost hope-lost so much hope that he gave up on his life. I wonder if there was anything I could have done to prevent his doing what he did. Perhaps if I’d emailed or texted him more, or just asked how things were going, or something that maybe he wouldn’t have made the choice he made. I wanted to go to the memorial service, I really did. Yet I didn’t attend the service, but heard about it from someone who was there. I’m crying now-and I was trying so hard not to. But it’s good to get emotions out though and not bottle them up. I’ve had waves of sadness since I heard the news. All the good memories I shared with him, the laughter and fun come in waves as well. It’s taking me a while to work through what I feel and my place in it all. 

I mentioned that I’d wanted to attend the funeral service, but made the decision not to return to Nebraska in favor of heading east to see my friend and sister over Thanksgiving holiday. I chose, and I’m sure my deceased teammate would have approved, to embrace the lives of the loved ones still here-while there is still time. Our lives are but a breath a mere shadow.

On a bit of a somber note, we headed to see my best friend's place whom I haven’t seen in 9 years. It was a joyous time of acquainting each other with our growing families. From there, we stopped to see a friend from Nebraska, who moved a week before we did. He was another of my teammates, in fact, he, our departed friend and I played on many co-ed four person volleyball teams. I enjoyed myself immensely seeing him in his new town and settling in nicely. We reminisced about volleyball times of yore. Saddened by the loss of our friend, we were encouraged to keep on keeping on. We arrived at my sister’s place next. I hadn’t been to her place in about 9 years, so it was so good to see the house her husband built. My sister is due with her 6th child in a couple weeks so it was fun to see her very pregnant. We enjoyed a festive Thanksgiving dinner and the children got lots of playtime outdoors. I am thrilled to be in the south again where the weather isn’t so cold and dreary during Thanksgiving.

We’re back home now, settling into a routine. I always want to remember though that life is short and I should never pass up the opportunity to strengthen my relationships. Because one can rarely tell on the outside what someone is feeling on the inside.

To know myself

I was upset yesterday. Maybe it isn't something that should have made me upset, but I allowed it to. Something needed to be address with another individual and I'm terrible at confrontation. I usually try to avoid it at all costs. The situation needed attention and if that was going to happen then I needed to do it. So I allowed myself to use my frustration to fuel the intrepidity to address the situation and not back down. My anger didn't make me yell or anything inappropriate it just spurred me on to do something that I deemed challenging. I was nervous and pretty much terrified. Trusting that I was doing the right thing, I spoke with the person over the phone. I thought it went well until mere minutes after we hung up the spouse called and chewed me out for accusing someone in his family of something. I recognized his need to vent and kept quiet until he was done yelling at me. I even asked forgiveness if what I said sounded accusatory. I stood my ground on the issue though. Neither of us was happy although he finally calmed down by the end of the conversation. 

My thoughts couldn't leave it at that though. I knew in my head that addressing the situation wasn't wrong. I also knew that his defensiveness was covering the fact that he and his family got caught in a lie, so he was trying to turn it around and put me in the wrong. My head knew one thing but my heart kept repeating over and over that I did something wrong. Now, I believe in my conscience alerting me to right versus wrong and convicting me. This was different though. This felt more like when I turned someone in at school for cheating (yes, I was that type) and then felt badly that I did. I'm not sure if I lamented the fact that now they were mad at me- or more that I felt badly for getting someone in trouble. What I'd done wasn't wrong in fact it was right, but I felt guilty. Ironic how the world turns those things around and encourages the person in the right to feel badly for having done right. I've gotten off track for a minute let me get back to where I was headed with this. 

After the phone call (I was at work mind you) my co-worker made a comment about thinking someone had interfered with our ability to complete our work. My response to his comment: "Oh, they better not have. In the mood I'm in, I'll rip them to shreds if they did." The worst part about it was that I was serious. So I wonder why do I have to be in a negative state of mind to address things that need addressing? If something needs to be said, then it needs to be said whatever my mood. Reverse is also true, if it doesn't need to be said then it shouldn't be said regardless of my mood. When did I start letting my mood affect what I will say, to whom and when? That's not the person I want to be. 

On the bright side there was a day when I wouldn't have noticed anything wrong with what I said. So I continue to marvel at how far God has brought me! This journey brings a lot of self awareness and with it pain. I'm encouraged though, because I read once that God won't bring to your awareness something unless His is ready to work on it. I've seen lots of changes in me already and know He will bring me through this as well. I know I'll mess up, but there's plenty of grace-for me and the angry spouse in the above situation.

Disciple

As I was answering my Bible study questions today, I was thinking about how the role of music has such an impact on my life. How so often I feel a certain way, but can’t explain it, but then I’ll hear a song on the radio and think, “Yes, that’s exactly how I feel.” I’m so thankful that through these songs I can voice how I feel and where I am in my journey of life. There are so many great songs out there these days! I’m thankful for the opportunity to hear the stories of the authors of these songs. It encourages me that others have felt the same ways I’ve felt and have come through it better off. So here’s another song I’d like to share. It’s called Dear X (you don’t own me) by Disciple.

Dear X (you don’t own me) 

Dear pain, oh, it’s been a long time

Remember when you were awake holding me tight

I would stay awake with you all night

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms

You were there when it all fell apart

I would get so lost in your beautiful lies

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead

You’re never gonna take me

You can bend

But you’re never gonna break me

I was yours

I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Dear hate, I know you’re not far

You would wait at the door of my heart

I was amazed at the passion in your cries

Dear anger, you made me so high

You were faithful to show up on time

Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead

You’re never gonna take me

You can bend

But you’re never gonna break me

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you’ve got no bullet

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

You tempted me to look back

But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead

You’re never gonna take me

You can bend

But you’re never gonna break me

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you’ve got no bullet

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you’ve got no bullet

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

The Blessing Of Trust

I was talking with a friend/co-worker the other day. No shocker there really :) but something was different this time. When the topic got more serious and the potential was there to get vulnerable, I didn't completely shut down. Now to hear it from the other person, I'm sure getting me to open up was like pulling teeth, but this is my blog now isn't it? So I'm going to tell the story from my point of view! 

I desire so badly to know people and be known by them. However there is the small hurdle of the fact I trust no one. More often than not, I put on the happy (enough) face and act like my world is fine. Most of the time it is these days, but sometimes it isn't. Even being honest about the fact that I'm not alright, is difficult. Much less sharing parts of me or my past that  I feel I will be judged for.

So it's progress that I was able to open up to this friend. It was such an honor and privilege for her to show trust in me by sharing some of her story. Lately, I'm being more honest with myself and others and I find that the people around me are more honest with me. Do you think maybe it's a two-way street-that the more honest I am I will encourage others around me to be more honest? But that means the opposite could also be true-the more I hide from others the more they hide from me. Which of course exacerbates the problem and creates a defeating cycle.

Well I suppose it's all about baby steps. It took courage and bravery and strength for me to open up and risk trusting someone. I'm sure it took the same for her to open up with me. I am getting somewhere in the journey of life!

*********
Freesia is the flower that represents trust.

Blink by Revive

Thanks to a friend, I’ve had this wonderful song stuck in my head for over a week now! I hope you enjoy it as much as I am. This song is reminding me to base my priorities on what truly matters. My favorite line is: “...the only thing that matters is how we have loved...” Here are the lyrics. Feel free to blame me if you get this song stuck in your head too!

Blink by Revive

Teach me to number my days

And count every moment before it slips away

Taking all the colors before they fade to gray

I don’t want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink

It happens in a flash

It happens in the time it took to look back

I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time

What is it I’ve done with my life

It happens in a blink (x2)

When it’s all said and done

No one remembers how far we have run

The only thing that matters is how we have loved

I don’t want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink

It happens in a flash

It happens in the time it took to look back

I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time

What is it I’ve done with my life

It happens in a blink (x4)

Slow down, slow down

Before today becomes our yesterday

Slow down, slow down

Before you turn around and it’s too late

It happens in a blink

It happens in a flash

It happens in the time it took to look back

I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time

What is it I’ve done with my life

It happens in a blink (x4)

Peace maker or peace keeper?

So really what is the difference between a peace maker and a peace keeper? Well the online dictionary defines a peacekeeper as: “a person who maintains or restores peace and amity; mediator” and a peacemaker to be: “a person...that tries to make peace...” I don’t know about you, but those sound very similar to me upon first reading the definitions. But they are fundamentally different. 

As the actual words would imply a peacekeeper will keep peace and a peacemaker will make peace. I myself have always been a peacekeeper even when I know what I’m keeping is really anything but peace. I’ll keep controlled chaos if it masquerades as peace. Just as long as everyone is getting along, it doesn’t matter that no one feels free to be themselves. Talk about not rocking the boat, I’d do everything I could to keep the boat from ever rocking-by me or anyone else. But that’s not really peace. 

The hard thing about peacemaking is that it sometimes looks nothing like peace in its pursuit. As my wise cop cousin once said, "Sometimes the only way to make peace is to fight for it. " And we all know that fighting looks nothing like peace. 

I battle how to make sense of my place in this world and how to become the woman God wants me to be when I’ve got even my definitions backwards and mixed up. I trust though that the end result of truly having peace that was made will be far greater than keeping fake peace has been. Maybe I’ve just gotten them out of order. make peace first then keep it after-hum yes that’s doable!

World Vision

Last Sunday was Orphan Care day. A lot of preachers chose to present a sermon based on our role in the lives of widows and orphans. I believe I have always had a heart for orphans, and children in general, but Sunday I was presented with the question of what am I doing (rather going to do) about it? What can I do, really? I have a bazillion reasons why I shouldn’t take a role in caring for orphans. There’s one reason I should that outweighs all the “yeah buts”. That reason is that Jesus has a heart for orphans and He’s blessed me with enough to be His arms and feet to some of those broken children. Although I (and my family) am praying about how exactly I should get involved, there was something very clear: I can give a little money each month to support an orphan or needy child in another country. How easy it is for me to sit in my well-furnished apartment with food in the fridge, more than enough clean clothes in my closet and health insurance with a doctor within a mile of me and think I don’t have anything to give these people. Well, that’s enough of that! If God’s given it to me then I need to bless others with it too! I read a quote recently that reads something like this: “I don’t know how much of our salary we should give back to God, but I do know that we ought to give more than we think we can spare.” So I will take the step of faith that God will multiply this money for those children. It’s really more than I can spare, but let’s see what God does with it!

On a similar but different note, I was browsing photos of the children needing sponsors on World Vision recently and some of the children’s names are: Perfect, Confidence, Blessings, Planmore, Precious. I was touched by their names. In a culture riddled with famine, destitution and disease, where many die from lack of food and medical supplies it shows such faith the parents had in naming their child who could have been considered a burden “yet one more mouth to feed”. I do hope that each of those children find the blessing of their name and their future bright-for someone out there will feel drawn to support them. 

Wondering about the names of the children that we chose to sponsor? Their names are “Rubina” and “Partha”. The kids each chose one to sponsor and that’s who they were drawn to. I look forward to getting to know them as they grow up!

Makes me ponder the fact that God will give all of us a new name in Heaven. If it has anything to do with our works here on earth, I’m sure at least right now a name such as “Stingy” or “Worried” might be the most accurate. Fortunately for me though, God will give us a name from which He sees us not based on our actions. I can only hope that I’ll live in the knowledge that God has a name for me-one that speaks of His infinite love. May I truly become a woman worthy of such a name. For now though, my highest calling and blessed gift is to be called “Mommy”. May I remember the next generation and what I’m teaching them about God, family, love and generosity. 

New to blogspot

Well, I am finally joining the masses. I won't jump off a cliff if everyone else does, but this blogging thing felt a little less risky. So here I am. I've had my blog elsewhere and will attempt to move my posts here to keep everything concise. In the meantime I will continue to post on my other blog until I get a feel for it. I will follow the crowd once I'm convinced that the crowd is worth following.

Until then allow me to explain my blog title. A to the Nth Degree. I've been called Type-A, A positive, A squared. I think I just might be a bit anal retentive. This blog name was created from that concept so I am A to the Nth Degree. Clever if I do say so myself! I am trying to change that about myself though (being type A not the clever part) so I'm using my blog as a way to blog through my A-cubed emotions. Lucky you eh! Perhaps by my next blog post, I'll have improved some...or not. Only time will tell!

Thanks for joining me on this journey!

Loyalty

I feel as sense of loyalty to some of the strangest things! I did something today that I’ve resisted doing for a while. I created this account on blogspot. And I feel badly for doing so. I know, it’s crazy! Why on earth would I feel loyal to my other website/blog when I’ve not been overly thrilled with it. It has been fine overall, but I’m starting to notice areas I want to change but don’t know how. So for many reasons, I’m packing up my trusty website and moving everything over to this new one. Not right now, mind you, but eventually. I’ve got to work through my blah emotions over the change first. I feel like I've got things backwards when I feel loyal to something small like a blog page but not necessarily loyal when it's something big.