To know myself

I was upset yesterday. Maybe it isn't something that should have made me upset, but I allowed it to. Something needed to be address with another individual and I'm terrible at confrontation. I usually try to avoid it at all costs. The situation needed attention and if that was going to happen then I needed to do it. So I allowed myself to use my frustration to fuel the intrepidity to address the situation and not back down. My anger didn't make me yell or anything inappropriate it just spurred me on to do something that I deemed challenging. I was nervous and pretty much terrified. Trusting that I was doing the right thing, I spoke with the person over the phone. I thought it went well until mere minutes after we hung up the spouse called and chewed me out for accusing someone in his family of something. I recognized his need to vent and kept quiet until he was done yelling at me. I even asked forgiveness if what I said sounded accusatory. I stood my ground on the issue though. Neither of us was happy although he finally calmed down by the end of the conversation. 

My thoughts couldn't leave it at that though. I knew in my head that addressing the situation wasn't wrong. I also knew that his defensiveness was covering the fact that he and his family got caught in a lie, so he was trying to turn it around and put me in the wrong. My head knew one thing but my heart kept repeating over and over that I did something wrong. Now, I believe in my conscience alerting me to right versus wrong and convicting me. This was different though. This felt more like when I turned someone in at school for cheating (yes, I was that type) and then felt badly that I did. I'm not sure if I lamented the fact that now they were mad at me- or more that I felt badly for getting someone in trouble. What I'd done wasn't wrong in fact it was right, but I felt guilty. Ironic how the world turns those things around and encourages the person in the right to feel badly for having done right. I've gotten off track for a minute let me get back to where I was headed with this. 

After the phone call (I was at work mind you) my co-worker made a comment about thinking someone had interfered with our ability to complete our work. My response to his comment: "Oh, they better not have. In the mood I'm in, I'll rip them to shreds if they did." The worst part about it was that I was serious. So I wonder why do I have to be in a negative state of mind to address things that need addressing? If something needs to be said, then it needs to be said whatever my mood. Reverse is also true, if it doesn't need to be said then it shouldn't be said regardless of my mood. When did I start letting my mood affect what I will say, to whom and when? That's not the person I want to be. 

On the bright side there was a day when I wouldn't have noticed anything wrong with what I said. So I continue to marvel at how far God has brought me! This journey brings a lot of self awareness and with it pain. I'm encouraged though, because I read once that God won't bring to your awareness something unless His is ready to work on it. I've seen lots of changes in me already and know He will bring me through this as well. I know I'll mess up, but there's plenty of grace-for me and the angry spouse in the above situation.