Questioning God

If you could ask just one question of God, what would it be? That's a question that was recently posted on facebook. As I read through 126 comments I was struck with the similarity of the questions. There were three themes to what people wanted to know of God. The first was, why do bad things happen? The second was when are You coming back? The third was, what is your purpose for my life.

I have found myself asking those same three questions of God at random times throughout my life. I've settled the questions of why God let's bad things happen, and when is He returning home. I am currently camped at the "what is your purpose for my life" question. Just when I think I have some sort of understanding, I'm hit with another blow that seems to prove me wrong. I want so badly to do God's will for my life, but sometimes it seems so elusive. If only I knew what it was, I'd do it.

Regardless of all the questions, come Lord Jesus, come!

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I started reading He Loves Me for the second time. The first chapter talks about how most people use the daisy-petal method of determining how God feels about us at any given time. I, for one, am very guilty of doing this. For example, my husband got the job he wanted=He loves me, our house for sale hasn't sold for a year and a half now=He loves me not, I got pregnant=He loves me, I got sick=He loves me not; husband is losing his job=He loves me not, etc. Although there are many problems with this method it also gives me plenty of "evidence" that it's possible to and I should try to earn God's favor. I really must not pay attention when I read the Bible because that theology is in contrast to what it says. Some days it's just harder to trust God than other days...today is one of those days.

Built-in time to blog

My husband and I decided the other day to have the kids journal what they learned in homeschooling each day. I realized that this would be a good scheduled opportunity for me to blog. I haven't been regular about posting blogs lately and so much has been going on. My daughter is now 5 weeks old. Time goes so quickly and sometimes I look at my older children and am struck by how old they are and how soon it will be before they are grown and moving out.

My son is such an intellectual child with a sensitive streak. He desires to please. Recently he's become more of a stereotypical boy by jumping off the walls and flipping pencils off the table. He is so gentle with his baby sister though. He wants to be a dad when he grows up and I can tell he will be a wonderful father when he's older.

My daughter is so very different than I. In many ways, she's who I always wanted to be. She's a gifted dancer and singer. She paints and draws with reckless abandon. She lives life fully and doesn't let anyone slow her down. Of course as her mom it drives me crazy at times! I don't know how to harness her energy in a healthy way. I pray God gives extra grace as I fail her.

My infant's personality is hard to see right now but she is wonderful! I'm extremely blessed to have added another arrow in my quiver! Never more than with small babies do I see how inter-relational God made us all. She does everything in her power to be and remain in my arms-since I am her sole source of food. It's an honor to be a mother and I believe a calling above all others.

It would be so much harder to be a good mother without the support and love of a good husband. My husband is under excruciating stress with the job hunt, moving, etc. He calls it a mid-life crisis. At least he isn't calling it life in general! Could always be worse. :)

When it rains, it pours.

So much transpired since last I wrote that I don't know where to begin. Life certainly takes sharp sudden turns-I can barely keep up. Some events have been good, others I'm still looking for the silver lining but all of them have been life altering. Not one for change with a penchant toward control-freakism, I find myself at a loss in how to handle the shifts. Fortunately, I can blog to work through some of these worries.

So in the following posts expect to see blogs with these themes:

My husband's company

I had my daughter

Moving and life beyond LR

House issues

Choosing to believe Isa. 14:24

Thanks for your patience as I deal with the happenings of my life.

Less than three weeks to go

My due date is just under three weeks away. I'm so excited about getting to meet my new little bundle of joy! I find that the closer I get to her arrival the more fear I experience. I know my hormones are all in a jumble, yet it seems more than that. I haven't really let myself get excited about this baby. I have mere weeks and I'm admitting that I'm still scared that I'll lose her. I heard recently of a friend's friend having lost her baby in her 36th week-exactly the week I was when I heard it. I know that ultimately I am not in control of life. Since I can't control it, I think that it won't work out like I want it to. Which is sad, because I want to be able to trust in a great plan that is better than mine and much bigger. I know though that the second I see this baby for the very first time all fears will be silenced and I will just bask in my ever-expanding love for this brand new person. Hey, sounds like I'm letting myself get excited after all!

I still have a choice

I like to be nice. But not as much when I'm forced to. That said, traffic is always hit or miss with my being nice. Regardless of whether I'm in a hurry or not, i want the choice to be nice. So when people cut me off, I don't want to be nice, but rather ride their bumper to prove there wasn't room for them to squeeze in. Never more than driving do I see the "all about me" mentality. On the other side though, when someone puts their blinker on and waits for me to back up to let them in, I enjoy being nice. I've always said that I like to be nice when I'm given the choice. What I'm realizing though is that I always have a choice. I have a choice to be nice when it's easy but I have that same choice when it's more difficult or I don't want to. It's good for me to realize that other drivers (people) do not dictate whether or not I have a choice in my responses. Sometimes it's just those "duh" moments when something finally clicks!

Life as I know it...

...is about to change-drastically! In just a few shorts weeks my family of four will be joined by this little bun in the oven. I'm really excited about her arrival! There was a day not too long ago that having another child would have been completely off the table. For one, I got really sick with my first two and vowed never to have any more of my own children. More importantly though, I wasn't in a place where I would have been able to care for and love another addition to our family. I have enough pride to think that this life of mine is all about me. Well, it isn't and I know that now. It's been a difficult lesson to learn and this far into it I am happy to have learned it. I've had to admit that I'm too selfish sometimes to be a good mom. And being a good mom is my goal. I'm saddened by the state of children today: left alone, given freedom without boundaries, no discipline. Those children are unruly, overweight and terrors to be around! I have to spend a lot of time with my children and I'd really like to enjoy being around them! I'd like them to be a blessing to others as well. I don't enjoy being around most children these days-including mine at times. But when my children are acting the worst is when I am being most self-centered and lazy. I'm working to lead by example, so hopefully as I change my ways, those around me will follow suit. And if not, at least I'll enjoy being around myself when I'm not selfish and lazy!

Not all dog people

We went to visit my parents last weekend. They have dogs. That fact has always been a sore spot for me. Now I know it sounds childish, but they view their (newly acquired) pets as part of the family. And not just any part of the family-an integral part of the family. For example, while in the middle of a somewhat serious conversation my mom interrupts to tell my dad that one of the dogs has a leaf on his lip that he can't get off. It effectively ended the conversation. I don't think she was trying to end the conversation, and I even think that her goal wasn't to be rude. My mom reminds me of a new parent who can't sit though a normal conversation without being constantly distracted with something the baby is doing.

It's probably not fair that I'm bothered by this. I don't care that it may not be fair-I feel put out, like I'm less important than her dogs. Not only am I and my husband less important, but my children as well. They got on to my daughter for accidentally bumping one of their dogs under the chin with a hoola hoop. They got bothered that she didn't immediately throw down the hoop and apologize to the dog. It's a dog! He didn't get hurt-he unhooked his chin and went about his business. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn here. Unhook my chin so to speak and just let it go. And perhaps that's the goal, but right now I don't like feeling like to them my family is less important than their pets.

In the past I've said that I don't like dogs. But I realized something on this trip and that is, I don't like certain types of dog people. Not all people act like that and certainly the dogs haven't done anything to deserve my blaming them. I might have just fallen very close to the tree, and think the world revolves around me. I hope I break the cycle just enough to see animals as pets and not as more important than my family.

Last minute rescue

I'm a great chef! I love cooking and baking and taking leftovers and turning them into something deliciously different the next day. It's fun for me. Sometimes though after I've put something in the oven I forget about it. I get caught up with other activities or walk too far from the timer to hear it sound.

I'm thankful that God is nothing like me! Although He is life's master "chef", He keeps His eye constantly on me while I'm in the "oven" and takes me out at the exact moment that is perfect. Perfect moments can feel like a last-minute rescue. Heat I'd prefer not to spend any time in, is exactly what I need to be complete. Too often I lack faith in God because I give Him human characteristics. He isn't me and never will be. He doesn't walk away from the "oven" or trials in my life leaving me there and forgetting me. Just the opposite in fact!

Why must I revisit this trust issue so often? He proves Himself to be 100% trustworthy time and time again. In fact, something I've just realized is that He trusts me when I've proven to not be 100% trustworthy all the time. Yet again I think God is like me and can't truly be trusted all the time. He can. As I continue on this journey of life with Him, I pray I see Him more for who He really is and find myself becoming more like Him. That's the best way for me to understand Him better: spend time with Him and emulate His ways.

At least there's a plan in place! Now to living that plan today...onward!

Spiritual Bulimia

I'm surrounded by a plethora of opportunities to learn, hear and grow in spirituality. I'm reading a terrific book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love, in a Bible study on the book of Jonah by Priscilla Shirer, teaching Bible to my children during homeschooling, attend a Christian-based 12-step program, watch Beth Moore online. Literally I'm surrounded by people, books, websites, churches, blogs, etc who can and do often point me to God. God Himself shows me who He is through His handiwork of creation.

More often than not, after reading something or watching something I'm struck with just how big God is and how much I need to just let go and trust God in all things. The Bible of course and many other books confirm this, people live lives of peace and tranquility, I KNOW I should and want to do this. I even get application tools. I feel sometimes like I have spiritual bulimia because feels like I take it all in and then just throw it up. I over fill my spiritual stomach and without knowing how to process through it all, I just get rid of it. I know that's a graphic word picture but I'm not going to apologize for using it. It's dangerous and addictive.

Lately I've been trying my best to slow down and take smaller "bites" of spiritual food to really digest them. Truly I want God to change me from the inside out and He is. One day I will have more faith and trust, but for today I'm thankful I have been given enough to get through this minute, asking each minute for the ability to get through the next. I certainly don't need extra stuff to cart around, so I'm choosing to be thankful to get only what I need when I need it.

Progress doesn't always take me in the direction I want to go

To fix my TMJ issues, my doctor put me in braces earlier this year. It really feels like one step forward, two steps back. Movement of my teeth is supposed to be a good thing. When I went to my appointment yesterday the doctor took a couple steps back and we have to re-do something we've already done. Progress was made, but it was the wrong direction.

So many times in my life I view progress as a sign of growth and improvement. Certainly not stagnant but not always a good thing. I'm often satisfied enough just to see movement-not paying much attention to the direction of the movement. Eventually I notice that I'm not where I thought I should be and correct it, spending time and energy on keeping busy. At some point in the near future I hope to be happy with small movements in the right direction as opposed to lots of movement in any direction.

Good to be back

I have had great plans to keep blogging throughout this pregnancy. Yet since I've not blogged since before I got pregnant, I don't think I'm doing that great. :) But I'm jumping in right where I am and starting now!

Today I'm 32 weeks pregnant! I've started feeling sick and tired-again. But I have encouragement knowing that I'm closer to the end than the beginning. Baby is getting very active and I'm looking to see her personality even now. I think she may have dropped because just a couple days ago it felt like she had more room in there somehow.

Anyway, on to non-baby news. I am starting the fourth week of homeschooling my children. They are still excited although we have battled health issues that slow us down. It's nice knowing that I can just do the teaching work as we feel up to it. Maybe after summer, I'll get a little more structured, as I tend to do better with a schedule. But we will just see how it goes.

I'm going to do my best to get back to blogging more, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't! :)

Ta ta for now.