Fall is in the Air

Today we went on a family outing. With all the different activities we have going on it’s rare for us all to have time together. So instead of hanging out in the apartment, my husband knew of a nice area in a local park (think big park like a National park).  We drove through an old-fashioned covered bridge to get to the parking area. The weather finally cooled off-so I bundled up for the hike. I think it was really a tame mountain bike trail we walked. My son rode his bike and we all walked, skipped and traipsed picking up acorns and the smell of cool air on our clothes. It felt like fall, it smelled like fall. Fall has always been my favorite time of year. The hike/ride was a bit long for my son so he was upset when this photo was taken. But for the most part we all enjoyed our time together. Hopefully soon we will embrace more opportunities to enjoy some low-key family time! 

Mirror or Window?

I heard someone say on the radio today that social networking sites are “mirrors masquerading as windows”. In theory we are there to connect with others, but in fact we focus more on our profile and pictures and sharing ourselves. So it begs the question, is it self serving? Why are we there? Is it because we are bored or lonely or really want to know what other people are up to? 

I admit, I’ve been addicted to using Facebook and finding out what the celebrities are up to on Twitter, but I can say honestly for me that I know very well that I use it as an escape-make it look like I’m connecting deeply with others without actually having to. And how cool is it to say I just got a text (via Twitter) from Max Lucado or Candace Cameron Bure or Lindsay Lohan or Beth Moore?!!? I’m good at hiding though. And frankly, it’s hard to put my real self out there on facebook. As a people pleaser that means I have more people (some of whom I barely know) giving me their opinions on everything I write. Not all of me is likable-I know that. But being myself and allowing hundreds of people permission to comment on my thoughts isn’t always healthy.

Therefore, I like blogging. It’s upfront about being self serving and all about me. I’ve been pondering for days what blogging really is. Is it a mass letter or more like a diary that happens to get read? All I know, is that when I blog about something important, I usually process through my writing whether or not people ever read it. It allows me to get my own perspective, thus eliminating my need to have others’ opinions. 

I have no plans of giving up my social networking sites, but I will try to become more aware of when I trade my windows for mirrors.

Kindergarten Nursery Rhyme Parade

Today, my husband and I got the privilege of joining our daughter's class for an activity. Packing camera (video and sill) equipment, we show up a couple minutes before it was slated to begin. Parents milled around, looking a little lost. When we arrived in her classroom, her teacher wasn’t there. The lack of communication was terrible! I am finding it hard to communicate just how bad it was. Nobody really knew what they were supposed to be doing or where they were supposed to go. And some people just shouldn’t be kindergarten teachers-I am one of those people, my daughter's kindergarten teacher is also one of those people. She’s a nice woman but my interactions with her haven’t relieved any of those concerns.

Our daughter wanted to be Humpty Dumpty. We prepared a boiled egg, a my little pony and a space man (borrowed from her brother of course) for her presentation of the rhyme...which we didn’t get to see because the teacher decided to have the children perform the rhymes later in the afternoon-not sure why that got delayed since that was the event  all the parents were invited to. My guess is that not one parent in the grade cared to see their child walk out of the classroom and then wait for them to tour the school, only to return and not see them perform. Sigh. 

At least I didn’t have work I was missing, to make sure I didn’t miss that milestone in my daughter’s kindergarten year. Another plus of being there today was that I got to talk to my son’s teacher about helping in her classroom once a week. I’m taking a step forward in doing the things that really matter to me. Yay! Go me! For like good ol’ Humpty, I feel somedays that I’ve fallen off a wall-and none of the kings horses or men could put me back together again. So I wanna see the King because He can!!

Confusion

"Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at the touch, nay, you may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at evening." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Why is it that when someone admits they have lied to me, I feel foolish for having believed them? Like somehow I should have known that they were lying. Or if I “knew” they were lying but didn’t push it then I feel like I’ve done something wrong?  If they are a good liar then it’s likely that I’d never have known until they confessed. But don’t liars only get good by practicing? So they’ve practiced, gotten good and yet still I feel stupid.  Apparently there are white lies (read:acceptable sins) but even so-called black lies are prevalent and the consequences are curtailed. I’ve done my share of lying so I know that anyone who chooses to tell lies potentially threatens the relationship, but ultimately lives in extreme bondage. I believe it shows a lack of trust in that person. Freedom is found in truly being known and loved regardless of what we’ve chosen. 

My how far I’ve come over the years! There was a time when I’d write someone out of my life for not trusting me enough to be honest. And I was a hound dog-I could smell untruth a mile away; not for the right reasons of course, but to protect myself from pain and prove a point. Gone (although not long gone) are the days of hyper-vigilance and thankful am I. Over the years as I’ve personally chosen more dishonesty due to fear, my perspective has broadened. This last week brought three different conversations where someone told me that they had lied about something. None of the three were connected and I won’t mention details to protect the guilty. I began to wonder what that says about me. Why would three different people from three different parts of my life all have similar feelings that they wouldn’t be able to trust me? Either I’m not trustworthy, or I appear not to be. Probably both at certain points in my life. I’m saddened that those three had to live months/years without the freedom to know I will love them unconditionally. Will I, you ask? I’m learning because of all the terrible choices I’ve made in my lifetime, that what people are after is love. Simple as that, love no matter what! Weird how although very different, my thinking has changed to be more like the world’s outlook on lying-not seeking to overlook sins because of moral relativism, but to restore relationships as they were intended. So to everyone this past week who finally came clean with me, I applaud you! May it break the walls that were separating us to allow unobstructed health in our relationships! 

Nickelback puts it like this in the chorus of their song If Everyone Cared:

"If everyone cared and nobody cried

If everyone loved and nobody lied

If everyone shared and swallowed their pride

Then we'd see the day when nobody died"

Books, books and more books!

I’ve really enjoyed Pandora. Free online music that creates a radio station similar to the songs I like. It allows me to be introduced to music I might like but would never have heard about it. Well, now I’ve found the “pandora of books”. Discoveread.com allows me to rate books I’ve read, log books I’m reading and select books I’d like to read. I have multiple lists lying around of authors and books I’d like to read, and also have wondered which book it was that I read such-and-such or so-and-so in. Now not only can I keep a log of books I’ve read and rate them, but also I can get suggestions for books I might never hear of that are similar to the books I’ve read and liked. Now if I ever find the time again to read, I’ll be set. Until then, my list of “want to read” grows long! Feel free to join me there and review or recommend books for me.

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"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it." P.J. O'Rourke

On the verge

I think I’m on the verge of a serious meltdown or a breakthrough-I’m not sure which, and they look a lot alike. Taking a deep breath, knowing that things can’t stay this way forever I trudge on. And that is all I have to say about that!

Labor Day Weekend

We visited my parents over the Labor Day weekend. Originally we had planned to go back to where we moved from to take care of a few things, but that didn’t work out. We decide it was most important for us to go visit my parents since we don’t visit them very often. We left after I got off work Saturday. Stayed up late talking with my dad. My mom works overnights so we didn’t get to see her until Sunday morning.

Seriously of all the times to forget the camera. So many eventful things happened on that trip which we would have wanted to capture, but alas a mere 5 miles out of town, upon realizing it was forgotten, we opted not to return for the forgotten camera.

Sunday was spent relaxing and working, but all of it was fun. Watching the kids play in their miniature race car and Jeep in the expansive front yard while watching hummingbirds fight over the food was just the beginning. We donned our work gloves and headed to the back property that my parents are trying to clear. I drove a tractor (for the first time I might add) hauling trees that we’d felled to the burn pile. We burned the pile of branches, leaves, etc (with fire department approval of course) just as it started to get really windy. So not only did we smell like a campfire we also smelled of water (as we sprayed the neighbors barn and surrounding tree branches to prevent starting everything on fire). 

The last time we visited my parents they had a stray cat hanging around. This time the cat was not to be found, but a little yip dog followed the kids everywhere they went-even curling up on the front porch when we all went inside. I think my parents are borrowing pets to have for the kids’ entertainment when we go up there! The dog was cute.

Monday morning brought a fund-raiser breakfast at the local volunteer fire department. My parents live in the same small town I spent 9 years in. Many of the same people still live there. Old friends I’d known but haven’t seen in over half my life were there. It was so good to see familiar faces. The Model T Club was there with their vehicles and as my husband mentioned to the children that there was a seat in the back (the rumble seat) of the Model T the owner popped it open and asked if they all wanted a ride. So with the kids seated in back, my husband climbed in and they all took a ride! Wow, that’s so fun! I was inside socializing, or I’d have fought him for that passenger seat!

The trip was a success and I’m thankful we went. The most memorable time came from an argument with my mom. I know it sounds bad, but hear me out. There was a misunderstanding and I approached my mom to make it right. I knew I wasn’t in the wrong but I desired the relationship more than I desired being right. So dropping my defenses my mom and I were able to work out the misunderstanding and truly talk for the first time in forever (it seems). There was healing through our pain and laughter of that two-hour conversation. She asked me not to facebook any of our argument, which I told her I wouldn’t. I did say however that I’d likely blog about it, so there it is. My mom doesn’t read my blog (to my knowledge) but if she ever does, I hope she’s pleased with how I’ve presented our time together. I hope to make it back to their place soon!

Dysfunctions

I know we all have relationship issues, some are serious, some annoying and some make us laugh. I’m puzzled by a recent exchange. I want to make assumptions, but know I shouldn’t. I feel controlled and manipulated...which may or may not be true. I might find out one day, but then again maybe not. I guess now is the time to choose what’s right instead of basing my decisions on how I feel-especially when I don’t necessarily have all the facts.

I was awake last night thinking about my sick son, wondering if I should go in to check on him. You know we all have premonitions or gut instincts, but often they mean nothing. I don’t know which ones to follow through on and which ones I shouldn’t. I fell asleep pondering all of that and therefore didn’t go in and check on him. Did I miss something special? There was no emergency. I wonder do I follow up on every random premonition or just let some slide? Hmmm.

In other news, I got part of the day off today and when you work seven days a week it is a welcome break. My son is home sick and my husband and I tag-teamed staying home with him while the other went to work. It worked but I felt a sense of mommy guilt-I should be the one staying home with the sick child (it doesn’t matter that my son would rather have Daddy). I’m thankful that my husband had the flexibility to stay home part of the day so I could still go into work for a bit. Turns out it was slow at work anyway, so it wouldn’t really have mattered if I had stayed home. This is looking a little bit like balance...and I like it. Although I was once told that you don’t have balance to walk forward, but a constant unbalance. So perhaps I shouldn’t be looking too much for balance appreciating that unbalance may just take me where I want to go.

Have a wonderful holiday weekend everyone!

Lap of Luxury

I think I’ve determined that I was designed to live in the lap of luxury. Unfortunately, my lap (yes singular-only one lap around that track for me) was a 400-meter sprint, which exhausted me and left me wondering if I got my lap at all. So here I find myself running the epic marathon, not at all prepared for my journey. 

I’m speaking metaphorically of course, for I am not actually running a marathon. But figuratively, it feels like it (although the one lap MAY have been a stretch). I have never really “had” to work. I’ve wanted to work. There’ve been times when it was best if I worked, but somehow I knew that I didn’t have to if I didn’t really want to. That has all changed. With the out-of-state house still on the market, and our renters moving out before we expected, my need for a job trumps the tantrum I want to throw about finally getting time to myself now that the kids are both in school. I don’t particularly care to see the bright side of it-that I didn’t have to work until the kids were in school when I could work without their having to be in daycare. 

I know intellectually that this time won’t last forever because none of them do. My heart seems blue at the loss of all those wonderful things I wanted to do “when the kids were both in school”. That phrase was quoted often-probably as an excuse to not do something now, but to wait. I wonder what my next phrase will be “when the kids both go to college”. I’ll have to work on that but for now, where oh where are those bon bons? Oh Lord, please help me become the woman that I was created to be by making choices today to become that woman. Amen!