Tough Decisions for Thanksgiving

Someone I know well, a teammate, lost hope-lost so much hope that he gave up on his life. I wonder if there was anything I could have done to prevent his doing what he did. Perhaps if I’d emailed or texted him more, or just asked how things were going, or something that maybe he wouldn’t have made the choice he made. I wanted to go to the memorial service, I really did. Yet I didn’t attend the service, but heard about it from someone who was there. I’m crying now-and I was trying so hard not to. But it’s good to get emotions out though and not bottle them up. I’ve had waves of sadness since I heard the news. All the good memories I shared with him, the laughter and fun come in waves as well. It’s taking me a while to work through what I feel and my place in it all. 

I mentioned that I’d wanted to attend the funeral service, but made the decision not to return to Nebraska in favor of heading east to see my friend and sister over Thanksgiving holiday. I chose, and I’m sure my deceased teammate would have approved, to embrace the lives of the loved ones still here-while there is still time. Our lives are but a breath a mere shadow.

On a bit of a somber note, we headed to see my best friend's place whom I haven’t seen in 9 years. It was a joyous time of acquainting each other with our growing families. From there, we stopped to see a friend from Nebraska, who moved a week before we did. He was another of my teammates, in fact, he, our departed friend and I played on many co-ed four person volleyball teams. I enjoyed myself immensely seeing him in his new town and settling in nicely. We reminisced about volleyball times of yore. Saddened by the loss of our friend, we were encouraged to keep on keeping on. We arrived at my sister’s place next. I hadn’t been to her place in about 9 years, so it was so good to see the house her husband built. My sister is due with her 6th child in a couple weeks so it was fun to see her very pregnant. We enjoyed a festive Thanksgiving dinner and the children got lots of playtime outdoors. I am thrilled to be in the south again where the weather isn’t so cold and dreary during Thanksgiving.

We’re back home now, settling into a routine. I always want to remember though that life is short and I should never pass up the opportunity to strengthen my relationships. Because one can rarely tell on the outside what someone is feeling on the inside.

To know myself

I was upset yesterday. Maybe it isn't something that should have made me upset, but I allowed it to. Something needed to be address with another individual and I'm terrible at confrontation. I usually try to avoid it at all costs. The situation needed attention and if that was going to happen then I needed to do it. So I allowed myself to use my frustration to fuel the intrepidity to address the situation and not back down. My anger didn't make me yell or anything inappropriate it just spurred me on to do something that I deemed challenging. I was nervous and pretty much terrified. Trusting that I was doing the right thing, I spoke with the person over the phone. I thought it went well until mere minutes after we hung up the spouse called and chewed me out for accusing someone in his family of something. I recognized his need to vent and kept quiet until he was done yelling at me. I even asked forgiveness if what I said sounded accusatory. I stood my ground on the issue though. Neither of us was happy although he finally calmed down by the end of the conversation. 

My thoughts couldn't leave it at that though. I knew in my head that addressing the situation wasn't wrong. I also knew that his defensiveness was covering the fact that he and his family got caught in a lie, so he was trying to turn it around and put me in the wrong. My head knew one thing but my heart kept repeating over and over that I did something wrong. Now, I believe in my conscience alerting me to right versus wrong and convicting me. This was different though. This felt more like when I turned someone in at school for cheating (yes, I was that type) and then felt badly that I did. I'm not sure if I lamented the fact that now they were mad at me- or more that I felt badly for getting someone in trouble. What I'd done wasn't wrong in fact it was right, but I felt guilty. Ironic how the world turns those things around and encourages the person in the right to feel badly for having done right. I've gotten off track for a minute let me get back to where I was headed with this. 

After the phone call (I was at work mind you) my co-worker made a comment about thinking someone had interfered with our ability to complete our work. My response to his comment: "Oh, they better not have. In the mood I'm in, I'll rip them to shreds if they did." The worst part about it was that I was serious. So I wonder why do I have to be in a negative state of mind to address things that need addressing? If something needs to be said, then it needs to be said whatever my mood. Reverse is also true, if it doesn't need to be said then it shouldn't be said regardless of my mood. When did I start letting my mood affect what I will say, to whom and when? That's not the person I want to be. 

On the bright side there was a day when I wouldn't have noticed anything wrong with what I said. So I continue to marvel at how far God has brought me! This journey brings a lot of self awareness and with it pain. I'm encouraged though, because I read once that God won't bring to your awareness something unless His is ready to work on it. I've seen lots of changes in me already and know He will bring me through this as well. I know I'll mess up, but there's plenty of grace-for me and the angry spouse in the above situation.

Disciple

As I was answering my Bible study questions today, I was thinking about how the role of music has such an impact on my life. How so often I feel a certain way, but can’t explain it, but then I’ll hear a song on the radio and think, “Yes, that’s exactly how I feel.” I’m so thankful that through these songs I can voice how I feel and where I am in my journey of life. There are so many great songs out there these days! I’m thankful for the opportunity to hear the stories of the authors of these songs. It encourages me that others have felt the same ways I’ve felt and have come through it better off. So here’s another song I’d like to share. It’s called Dear X (you don’t own me) by Disciple.

Dear X (you don’t own me) 

Dear pain, oh, it’s been a long time

Remember when you were awake holding me tight

I would stay awake with you all night

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms

You were there when it all fell apart

I would get so lost in your beautiful lies

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead

You’re never gonna take me

You can bend

But you’re never gonna break me

I was yours

I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Dear hate, I know you’re not far

You would wait at the door of my heart

I was amazed at the passion in your cries

Dear anger, you made me so high

You were faithful to show up on time

Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go

But you’re still chasing

Go ahead

You’re never gonna take me

You can bend

But you’re never gonna break me

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you’ve got no bullet

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

You tempted me to look back

But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead

You’re never gonna take me

You can bend

But you’re never gonna break me

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you’ve got no bullet

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

Go ahead

Put a target on my forehead

You can fire

But you’ve got no bullet

I was yours

But I’m not yours anymore

Oh, you don’t own me

The Blessing Of Trust

I was talking with a friend/co-worker the other day. No shocker there really :) but something was different this time. When the topic got more serious and the potential was there to get vulnerable, I didn't completely shut down. Now to hear it from the other person, I'm sure getting me to open up was like pulling teeth, but this is my blog now isn't it? So I'm going to tell the story from my point of view! 

I desire so badly to know people and be known by them. However there is the small hurdle of the fact I trust no one. More often than not, I put on the happy (enough) face and act like my world is fine. Most of the time it is these days, but sometimes it isn't. Even being honest about the fact that I'm not alright, is difficult. Much less sharing parts of me or my past that  I feel I will be judged for.

So it's progress that I was able to open up to this friend. It was such an honor and privilege for her to show trust in me by sharing some of her story. Lately, I'm being more honest with myself and others and I find that the people around me are more honest with me. Do you think maybe it's a two-way street-that the more honest I am I will encourage others around me to be more honest? But that means the opposite could also be true-the more I hide from others the more they hide from me. Which of course exacerbates the problem and creates a defeating cycle.

Well I suppose it's all about baby steps. It took courage and bravery and strength for me to open up and risk trusting someone. I'm sure it took the same for her to open up with me. I am getting somewhere in the journey of life!

*********
Freesia is the flower that represents trust.

Blink by Revive

Thanks to a friend, I’ve had this wonderful song stuck in my head for over a week now! I hope you enjoy it as much as I am. This song is reminding me to base my priorities on what truly matters. My favorite line is: “...the only thing that matters is how we have loved...” Here are the lyrics. Feel free to blame me if you get this song stuck in your head too!

Blink by Revive

Teach me to number my days

And count every moment before it slips away

Taking all the colors before they fade to gray

I don’t want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink

It happens in a flash

It happens in the time it took to look back

I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time

What is it I’ve done with my life

It happens in a blink (x2)

When it’s all said and done

No one remembers how far we have run

The only thing that matters is how we have loved

I don’t want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink

It happens in a flash

It happens in the time it took to look back

I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time

What is it I’ve done with my life

It happens in a blink (x4)

Slow down, slow down

Before today becomes our yesterday

Slow down, slow down

Before you turn around and it’s too late

It happens in a blink

It happens in a flash

It happens in the time it took to look back

I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time

What is it I’ve done with my life

It happens in a blink (x4)

Peace maker or peace keeper?

So really what is the difference between a peace maker and a peace keeper? Well the online dictionary defines a peacekeeper as: “a person who maintains or restores peace and amity; mediator” and a peacemaker to be: “a person...that tries to make peace...” I don’t know about you, but those sound very similar to me upon first reading the definitions. But they are fundamentally different. 

As the actual words would imply a peacekeeper will keep peace and a peacemaker will make peace. I myself have always been a peacekeeper even when I know what I’m keeping is really anything but peace. I’ll keep controlled chaos if it masquerades as peace. Just as long as everyone is getting along, it doesn’t matter that no one feels free to be themselves. Talk about not rocking the boat, I’d do everything I could to keep the boat from ever rocking-by me or anyone else. But that’s not really peace. 

The hard thing about peacemaking is that it sometimes looks nothing like peace in its pursuit. As my wise cop cousin once said, "Sometimes the only way to make peace is to fight for it. " And we all know that fighting looks nothing like peace. 

I battle how to make sense of my place in this world and how to become the woman God wants me to be when I’ve got even my definitions backwards and mixed up. I trust though that the end result of truly having peace that was made will be far greater than keeping fake peace has been. Maybe I’ve just gotten them out of order. make peace first then keep it after-hum yes that’s doable!

World Vision

Last Sunday was Orphan Care day. A lot of preachers chose to present a sermon based on our role in the lives of widows and orphans. I believe I have always had a heart for orphans, and children in general, but Sunday I was presented with the question of what am I doing (rather going to do) about it? What can I do, really? I have a bazillion reasons why I shouldn’t take a role in caring for orphans. There’s one reason I should that outweighs all the “yeah buts”. That reason is that Jesus has a heart for orphans and He’s blessed me with enough to be His arms and feet to some of those broken children. Although I (and my family) am praying about how exactly I should get involved, there was something very clear: I can give a little money each month to support an orphan or needy child in another country. How easy it is for me to sit in my well-furnished apartment with food in the fridge, more than enough clean clothes in my closet and health insurance with a doctor within a mile of me and think I don’t have anything to give these people. Well, that’s enough of that! If God’s given it to me then I need to bless others with it too! I read a quote recently that reads something like this: “I don’t know how much of our salary we should give back to God, but I do know that we ought to give more than we think we can spare.” So I will take the step of faith that God will multiply this money for those children. It’s really more than I can spare, but let’s see what God does with it!

On a similar but different note, I was browsing photos of the children needing sponsors on World Vision recently and some of the children’s names are: Perfect, Confidence, Blessings, Planmore, Precious. I was touched by their names. In a culture riddled with famine, destitution and disease, where many die from lack of food and medical supplies it shows such faith the parents had in naming their child who could have been considered a burden “yet one more mouth to feed”. I do hope that each of those children find the blessing of their name and their future bright-for someone out there will feel drawn to support them. 

Wondering about the names of the children that we chose to sponsor? Their names are “Rubina” and “Partha”. The kids each chose one to sponsor and that’s who they were drawn to. I look forward to getting to know them as they grow up!

Makes me ponder the fact that God will give all of us a new name in Heaven. If it has anything to do with our works here on earth, I’m sure at least right now a name such as “Stingy” or “Worried” might be the most accurate. Fortunately for me though, God will give us a name from which He sees us not based on our actions. I can only hope that I’ll live in the knowledge that God has a name for me-one that speaks of His infinite love. May I truly become a woman worthy of such a name. For now though, my highest calling and blessed gift is to be called “Mommy”. May I remember the next generation and what I’m teaching them about God, family, love and generosity. 

New to blogspot

Well, I am finally joining the masses. I won't jump off a cliff if everyone else does, but this blogging thing felt a little less risky. So here I am. I've had my blog elsewhere and will attempt to move my posts here to keep everything concise. In the meantime I will continue to post on my other blog until I get a feel for it. I will follow the crowd once I'm convinced that the crowd is worth following.

Until then allow me to explain my blog title. A to the Nth Degree. I've been called Type-A, A positive, A squared. I think I just might be a bit anal retentive. This blog name was created from that concept so I am A to the Nth Degree. Clever if I do say so myself! I am trying to change that about myself though (being type A not the clever part) so I'm using my blog as a way to blog through my A-cubed emotions. Lucky you eh! Perhaps by my next blog post, I'll have improved some...or not. Only time will tell!

Thanks for joining me on this journey!

Loyalty

I feel as sense of loyalty to some of the strangest things! I did something today that I’ve resisted doing for a while. I created this account on blogspot. And I feel badly for doing so. I know, it’s crazy! Why on earth would I feel loyal to my other website/blog when I’ve not been overly thrilled with it. It has been fine overall, but I’m starting to notice areas I want to change but don’t know how. So for many reasons, I’m packing up my trusty website and moving everything over to this new one. Not right now, mind you, but eventually. I’ve got to work through my blah emotions over the change first. I feel like I've got things backwards when I feel loyal to something small like a blog page but not necessarily loyal when it's something big.

Fearless

Books by Max Lucado can be picked up and not put down until I’ve finished them. Fearless is no exception. The cover alone invokes the carefree days of childhood. Don’t we all wish we’d realized just how easy life was before we had to grow up? Well I sure do!

The statistics in the book are staggering. For example, “ordinary children today are more fearful than psychiatric patients were in the 1950s.” and “For the first time since the end of the Second World War, parents expect that life for the next generation will be worse than it was for them.” and “Reporter Bob Garfield tracked health articles in major publications and discovered that, among other health issues, 59 million Americans have heart disease, 53 million Americans have migraines, 25 million Americans have osteoporosis, 16 million struggle with obesity, 3 million have cancer and 2 million have severe brain disorders. Reportedly, in total, 543 million Americans consider themselves to be seriously sick, a troubling figure since there are 266 million people in the country. As Garfield noted, ‘Either as a society we are doomed, or someone is seriously double-dipping.’”

I myself struggle with fear. Every day, for reasons that can’t be explained I fear the unknown, the “what ifs”, the “if onlys” just to name a few. I am scared to death and don’t know what to do about it. That’s why I picked up Lucado’s book:I want to but can’t imagine my life without fear. In short, fear defines who I am. But that’s about to change. God gives us a “formula”, if you will, for dealing with our doubts and fears: focus on what He’s already done and get surrounded by those in His family. 

The part of the book that stood out the most to me was in the chapter titled, “Caffeinated Life”.  It addresses the question of “what’s next”.  Here’s an excerpt from the end of that chapter that opened my eyes to a new way of looking at unexplained hardship here on earth. Of course we can’t know if this is accurate, but we are all looking for a bit of hope in our dark valleys, so I clung to the words.

    

                “...what about the tragic [events] God permits?...do such moments serve a purpose?

                They do if we see them from an eternal perspective. What makes no sense in this life 

                will make perfect sense in the next. I have proof:you in the womb. I know you don’t 

                remember this prenatal season, so let me remind you what happened during it. Every

                gestational day equipped you for your earthly life. Your bones solidified, your eyes 

                developed, the umbilical cord transported nutrients into your growing frame...for what

                reason? So you might remain enwombed? Quite the contrary. Womb time equipped 

                you for earth time, suited you up for your postpartum existence. Some prenatal features 

                went unused before birth. You grew a nose but didn’t breathe. Eyes developed, but could

                you see? Your tongue, toenails, and crop of hair served no function in your mother’s belly.

                But aren’t you glad you have them now? Certain chapters of this life seem so unnecessary,

                like nostrils on the preborn. Suffering. Loneliness. Disease. Holocausts. Martyrdom. 

                Monsoons. If we assume this world exists just for pregrave happiness, these atrocities 

                disqualify it from doing so. But what if this earth is the womb? Might these challenges, 

                severe as they may be, serve to prepare us, equip us for the world to come?”

I give the book a thumbs up! In fact, I hope to add it to my own book collection. Read it, then tell me what you think!

          

Old and Out on the Town

I got a text from a very good friend asking if I was free this past weekend for a girls night out. She and I went to high school together but have only seen each other once since then. It was time for a girls night out. With the dads watching the kids, we headed out for our all-night adventure. The last time we went out we were teenagers and crashed a party. Now in our early thirties, we wondered what to do. She doesn’t live in the capital town that I do so we thought we’d do some tourist-y things here. 

We walked the longest pedestrian bridge (that I know of) which is lit up with colorful lights over the river. It was beautiful and allowed us to catch up a bit and also plan our night.

From there we headed to a local comedy club. Neither of us having been there, we were confused by the line of people sitting inside the ticket-purchasing booth telling each other jokes. We don’t know for certain what they were doing since we decided to move on.

Our next stop was the outdoor market downtown. Filled with bars, restaurants and fun night life, we were sure we’d find something interesting. We did. We ate a light extremely tasty dinner at an establishment known for its beer selection. I wasn’t drinking (I’m allergic to wheat, plus I’ve been battling a sore throat so alcohol was out for me-not to mention I’ve had a problem with alcohol in the past) but my friend tried a hard cider which she said was very good, and a “double chocolate stout float” which she said was not very good. We listened to excellent live music in a room with saucers covering every square inch of the walls and ceiling. The part we liked best was the line of tap spouts in the wall with a penny backsplash. Okay so I don’t know if I described that well (and I didn’t get a photo) but hopefully you get the idea.

From there we decided to walk up and down the street enjoying the entertainment and sounds of fun coming from each location. Among them we saw: a dual piano bar; a local sporting team clothing store, another bar with oddly a woman giving a lap-dance to a man standing up (which of course we all know the lap disappears when standing so what would they call that?) and walked over yet another bridge over the river. 

Needing to use the restroom, we headed back to where we’d already paid the cover fee. It was just after 11 when we started yawning. Fortunately we recognized that we’ve matured (some might say we’ve gotten old) enough to not have to stay out until the wee hours of the morning if we didn’t want to. So when we tired of the couple inappropriately making out in the very public corner, and the drama of the ladies around us, we headed for home. 

Overall we called it a success because after all we did stay out almost 6 hours! So we might be old and party poopers but we had fun catching up with each others lives and at the end of the night agreed that we needed to go out again soon! I’m going to make that happen and maybe this time we’ll make it to midnight!...but we’re both okay if we don’t.

I Need You To Love Me

BarlowGirl sing tons of great songs. This one in particular has struck a chord with me the last couple weeks, so I thought I’d share. I might do this often because I’m finding more artists who have songs that “speak to me”. Hope you enjoy them. This one is from the album Another Journal Entry. Lyrics follow.

"Why? Why are You still here with me?

Didn’t You see what I’ve done?

In my shame I want to run,

And hide myself.

Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,

I don’t deserve You.

But I need You to love me,

And I, I won’t keep my heart from You this time.

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time

Pushing You away from me.

I just never saw how You

Could cherish me.

Cause You’re a God who has all things, 

And still You want me.

And I need You to love me,

And I, I won’t keep my heart from You this time.

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

Yeah, ye-ea-eah

Your love makes me forget what I have been.

Your love makes me see who I really am.

Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.

And I need You to love me, yeah

I need You to love me, ye-ea-eah!

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

Somehow deserve what I already have

I need You to love me, yeah

I need You to… 

oh oh oh oh oh (x4)

Love me, love me, yah"

Fall is in the Air

Today we went on a family outing. With all the different activities we have going on it’s rare for us all to have time together. So instead of hanging out in the apartment, my husband knew of a nice area in a local park (think big park like a National park).  We drove through an old-fashioned covered bridge to get to the parking area. The weather finally cooled off-so I bundled up for the hike. I think it was really a tame mountain bike trail we walked. My son rode his bike and we all walked, skipped and traipsed picking up acorns and the smell of cool air on our clothes. It felt like fall, it smelled like fall. Fall has always been my favorite time of year. The hike/ride was a bit long for my son so he was upset when this photo was taken. But for the most part we all enjoyed our time together. Hopefully soon we will embrace more opportunities to enjoy some low-key family time! 

Mirror or Window?

I heard someone say on the radio today that social networking sites are “mirrors masquerading as windows”. In theory we are there to connect with others, but in fact we focus more on our profile and pictures and sharing ourselves. So it begs the question, is it self serving? Why are we there? Is it because we are bored or lonely or really want to know what other people are up to? 

I admit, I’ve been addicted to using Facebook and finding out what the celebrities are up to on Twitter, but I can say honestly for me that I know very well that I use it as an escape-make it look like I’m connecting deeply with others without actually having to. And how cool is it to say I just got a text (via Twitter) from Max Lucado or Candace Cameron Bure or Lindsay Lohan or Beth Moore?!!? I’m good at hiding though. And frankly, it’s hard to put my real self out there on facebook. As a people pleaser that means I have more people (some of whom I barely know) giving me their opinions on everything I write. Not all of me is likable-I know that. But being myself and allowing hundreds of people permission to comment on my thoughts isn’t always healthy.

Therefore, I like blogging. It’s upfront about being self serving and all about me. I’ve been pondering for days what blogging really is. Is it a mass letter or more like a diary that happens to get read? All I know, is that when I blog about something important, I usually process through my writing whether or not people ever read it. It allows me to get my own perspective, thus eliminating my need to have others’ opinions. 

I have no plans of giving up my social networking sites, but I will try to become more aware of when I trade my windows for mirrors.

Kindergarten Nursery Rhyme Parade

Today, my husband and I got the privilege of joining our daughter's class for an activity. Packing camera (video and sill) equipment, we show up a couple minutes before it was slated to begin. Parents milled around, looking a little lost. When we arrived in her classroom, her teacher wasn’t there. The lack of communication was terrible! I am finding it hard to communicate just how bad it was. Nobody really knew what they were supposed to be doing or where they were supposed to go. And some people just shouldn’t be kindergarten teachers-I am one of those people, my daughter's kindergarten teacher is also one of those people. She’s a nice woman but my interactions with her haven’t relieved any of those concerns.

Our daughter wanted to be Humpty Dumpty. We prepared a boiled egg, a my little pony and a space man (borrowed from her brother of course) for her presentation of the rhyme...which we didn’t get to see because the teacher decided to have the children perform the rhymes later in the afternoon-not sure why that got delayed since that was the event  all the parents were invited to. My guess is that not one parent in the grade cared to see their child walk out of the classroom and then wait for them to tour the school, only to return and not see them perform. Sigh. 

At least I didn’t have work I was missing, to make sure I didn’t miss that milestone in my daughter’s kindergarten year. Another plus of being there today was that I got to talk to my son’s teacher about helping in her classroom once a week. I’m taking a step forward in doing the things that really matter to me. Yay! Go me! For like good ol’ Humpty, I feel somedays that I’ve fallen off a wall-and none of the kings horses or men could put me back together again. So I wanna see the King because He can!!

Confusion

"Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at the touch, nay, you may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at evening." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Why is it that when someone admits they have lied to me, I feel foolish for having believed them? Like somehow I should have known that they were lying. Or if I “knew” they were lying but didn’t push it then I feel like I’ve done something wrong?  If they are a good liar then it’s likely that I’d never have known until they confessed. But don’t liars only get good by practicing? So they’ve practiced, gotten good and yet still I feel stupid.  Apparently there are white lies (read:acceptable sins) but even so-called black lies are prevalent and the consequences are curtailed. I’ve done my share of lying so I know that anyone who chooses to tell lies potentially threatens the relationship, but ultimately lives in extreme bondage. I believe it shows a lack of trust in that person. Freedom is found in truly being known and loved regardless of what we’ve chosen. 

My how far I’ve come over the years! There was a time when I’d write someone out of my life for not trusting me enough to be honest. And I was a hound dog-I could smell untruth a mile away; not for the right reasons of course, but to protect myself from pain and prove a point. Gone (although not long gone) are the days of hyper-vigilance and thankful am I. Over the years as I’ve personally chosen more dishonesty due to fear, my perspective has broadened. This last week brought three different conversations where someone told me that they had lied about something. None of the three were connected and I won’t mention details to protect the guilty. I began to wonder what that says about me. Why would three different people from three different parts of my life all have similar feelings that they wouldn’t be able to trust me? Either I’m not trustworthy, or I appear not to be. Probably both at certain points in my life. I’m saddened that those three had to live months/years without the freedom to know I will love them unconditionally. Will I, you ask? I’m learning because of all the terrible choices I’ve made in my lifetime, that what people are after is love. Simple as that, love no matter what! Weird how although very different, my thinking has changed to be more like the world’s outlook on lying-not seeking to overlook sins because of moral relativism, but to restore relationships as they were intended. So to everyone this past week who finally came clean with me, I applaud you! May it break the walls that were separating us to allow unobstructed health in our relationships! 

Nickelback puts it like this in the chorus of their song If Everyone Cared:

"If everyone cared and nobody cried

If everyone loved and nobody lied

If everyone shared and swallowed their pride

Then we'd see the day when nobody died"

Books, books and more books!

I’ve really enjoyed Pandora. Free online music that creates a radio station similar to the songs I like. It allows me to be introduced to music I might like but would never have heard about it. Well, now I’ve found the “pandora of books”. Discoveread.com allows me to rate books I’ve read, log books I’m reading and select books I’d like to read. I have multiple lists lying around of authors and books I’d like to read, and also have wondered which book it was that I read such-and-such or so-and-so in. Now not only can I keep a log of books I’ve read and rate them, but also I can get suggestions for books I might never hear of that are similar to the books I’ve read and liked. Now if I ever find the time again to read, I’ll be set. Until then, my list of “want to read” grows long! Feel free to join me there and review or recommend books for me.

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"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it." P.J. O'Rourke

On the verge

I think I’m on the verge of a serious meltdown or a breakthrough-I’m not sure which, and they look a lot alike. Taking a deep breath, knowing that things can’t stay this way forever I trudge on. And that is all I have to say about that!

Labor Day Weekend

We visited my parents over the Labor Day weekend. Originally we had planned to go back to where we moved from to take care of a few things, but that didn’t work out. We decide it was most important for us to go visit my parents since we don’t visit them very often. We left after I got off work Saturday. Stayed up late talking with my dad. My mom works overnights so we didn’t get to see her until Sunday morning.

Seriously of all the times to forget the camera. So many eventful things happened on that trip which we would have wanted to capture, but alas a mere 5 miles out of town, upon realizing it was forgotten, we opted not to return for the forgotten camera.

Sunday was spent relaxing and working, but all of it was fun. Watching the kids play in their miniature race car and Jeep in the expansive front yard while watching hummingbirds fight over the food was just the beginning. We donned our work gloves and headed to the back property that my parents are trying to clear. I drove a tractor (for the first time I might add) hauling trees that we’d felled to the burn pile. We burned the pile of branches, leaves, etc (with fire department approval of course) just as it started to get really windy. So not only did we smell like a campfire we also smelled of water (as we sprayed the neighbors barn and surrounding tree branches to prevent starting everything on fire). 

The last time we visited my parents they had a stray cat hanging around. This time the cat was not to be found, but a little yip dog followed the kids everywhere they went-even curling up on the front porch when we all went inside. I think my parents are borrowing pets to have for the kids’ entertainment when we go up there! The dog was cute.

Monday morning brought a fund-raiser breakfast at the local volunteer fire department. My parents live in the same small town I spent 9 years in. Many of the same people still live there. Old friends I’d known but haven’t seen in over half my life were there. It was so good to see familiar faces. The Model T Club was there with their vehicles and as my husband mentioned to the children that there was a seat in the back (the rumble seat) of the Model T the owner popped it open and asked if they all wanted a ride. So with the kids seated in back, my husband climbed in and they all took a ride! Wow, that’s so fun! I was inside socializing, or I’d have fought him for that passenger seat!

The trip was a success and I’m thankful we went. The most memorable time came from an argument with my mom. I know it sounds bad, but hear me out. There was a misunderstanding and I approached my mom to make it right. I knew I wasn’t in the wrong but I desired the relationship more than I desired being right. So dropping my defenses my mom and I were able to work out the misunderstanding and truly talk for the first time in forever (it seems). There was healing through our pain and laughter of that two-hour conversation. She asked me not to facebook any of our argument, which I told her I wouldn’t. I did say however that I’d likely blog about it, so there it is. My mom doesn’t read my blog (to my knowledge) but if she ever does, I hope she’s pleased with how I’ve presented our time together. I hope to make it back to their place soon!

Dysfunctions

I know we all have relationship issues, some are serious, some annoying and some make us laugh. I’m puzzled by a recent exchange. I want to make assumptions, but know I shouldn’t. I feel controlled and manipulated...which may or may not be true. I might find out one day, but then again maybe not. I guess now is the time to choose what’s right instead of basing my decisions on how I feel-especially when I don’t necessarily have all the facts.

I was awake last night thinking about my sick son, wondering if I should go in to check on him. You know we all have premonitions or gut instincts, but often they mean nothing. I don’t know which ones to follow through on and which ones I shouldn’t. I fell asleep pondering all of that and therefore didn’t go in and check on him. Did I miss something special? There was no emergency. I wonder do I follow up on every random premonition or just let some slide? Hmmm.

In other news, I got part of the day off today and when you work seven days a week it is a welcome break. My son is home sick and my husband and I tag-teamed staying home with him while the other went to work. It worked but I felt a sense of mommy guilt-I should be the one staying home with the sick child (it doesn’t matter that my son would rather have Daddy). I’m thankful that my husband had the flexibility to stay home part of the day so I could still go into work for a bit. Turns out it was slow at work anyway, so it wouldn’t really have mattered if I had stayed home. This is looking a little bit like balance...and I like it. Although I was once told that you don’t have balance to walk forward, but a constant unbalance. So perhaps I shouldn’t be looking too much for balance appreciating that unbalance may just take me where I want to go.

Have a wonderful holiday weekend everyone!

Lap of Luxury

I think I’ve determined that I was designed to live in the lap of luxury. Unfortunately, my lap (yes singular-only one lap around that track for me) was a 400-meter sprint, which exhausted me and left me wondering if I got my lap at all. So here I find myself running the epic marathon, not at all prepared for my journey. 

I’m speaking metaphorically of course, for I am not actually running a marathon. But figuratively, it feels like it (although the one lap MAY have been a stretch). I have never really “had” to work. I’ve wanted to work. There’ve been times when it was best if I worked, but somehow I knew that I didn’t have to if I didn’t really want to. That has all changed. With the out-of-state house still on the market, and our renters moving out before we expected, my need for a job trumps the tantrum I want to throw about finally getting time to myself now that the kids are both in school. I don’t particularly care to see the bright side of it-that I didn’t have to work until the kids were in school when I could work without their having to be in daycare. 

I know intellectually that this time won’t last forever because none of them do. My heart seems blue at the loss of all those wonderful things I wanted to do “when the kids were both in school”. That phrase was quoted often-probably as an excuse to not do something now, but to wait. I wonder what my next phrase will be “when the kids both go to college”. I’ll have to work on that but for now, where oh where are those bon bons? Oh Lord, please help me become the woman that I was created to be by making choices today to become that woman. Amen!

Baking Bread

I’ve been thinking for a while now that I want to start blogging again. Of course then the question of where to start. It’s been so long since I’ve blogged should I catch people up? or maybe just start where I am?  This is my blog so I guess I get to decide what I want to write about first after my absence.

And what I want to write is that I really enjoy the smell of freshly baked bread!

I guess it’s better to write something than wait around for the “right” thing to write when there really is no “right” thing. I’ll write more-sometime!