Don't Go There

Why are some things so difficult to talk about? I was sexually abused as a child. There I said it. Yet I feel shame in even typing the words into my computer-as though it’s my fault or I’m the one who did something wrong. I’m such a people pleaser that I hesitate to say anything that might make people uncomfortable. And I for one am uncomfortable when anyone brings up abuse. I’ve lived my life trying to cover that up. But deep down I knew the truth. Figuratively speaking, it’s like underneath my crisp clean dress, I know I’m wearing dirty underwear. Intellectually I believe certain things like it wasn’t my fault, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and the like...but that does nothing to change what my heart feels. Maybe if these topics weren’t so taboo..maybe if I had more courage to face rejection...maybe if I keep pretending that it doesn’t affect me...maybe one day I’ll be free from this pain...maybe. But then again, maybe not.

Forgotten Memories

I've always wanted to be more creative. I've never been overly skilled at drawing (my stick figures are hard to recognize) or designing or singing. I spent a lot of years wishing I could do those things and admiring those who can-who am I kidding? I still spend time wishing I could do those things. One of my room mates in college had the most beautiful voice that I have ever heard. (Not the room mate who woke me up singing opera every morning!) Recently I was inspired to learn something new, so I checked out some books on learning to draw from the library.

It brought back a memory. When I went through my items (left in storage when we moved out of the country when I was a teenager) a couple of months ago I found some things I'd forgotten about. One of them was a book on drawing. For a birthday present when I was 9 or so I received a book on drawing along with different lead pencils, sketch pad and a gummy eraser. I don't know the technical terms, but I know they were specific to drawing. I tried to draw an animal in the book but gave up after two tries when it wasn't perfect. I traced it then never touched it again. I wonder sometimes at the things I missed out on- because I wouldn't try it if it wasn't perfect, I gave up. I probably would not have become a famous artist but I missed the opportunity to learn and practice a skill. Regardless of what I missed, I'm embracing the opportunity I have now. To self-teach myself with the freedom to fail as well as give my children the freedom to explore new skills.

Back to the nightly grind

Well I started back to work last night. It's amazing how my body reacts to different situations. When I wasn't working I didn't eat after dinner (even if I stayed active) and went to bed around 11. Getting back into "work routine," I found I was hungry at 9pm (break time) and tired about 10. I really am a creature of habit. 

It was very nice to have some time alone. One of the things I've liked about this job is that I get to be by myself-yes, I'm working but I'm by myself and since it really isn't busy season yet there are very few employees. So I take the opportunity to listen to books, music or sermons on my iPod. No kids demanding my time, no house projects reminding me what else needs to be done...I like the work and they pay me to do it! (And after my one-year review recently I got a raise!) How cool is that!?! 

I feel badly about needing to take two weeks off starting soon though-since I did just get back, but hey that's the great thing about having a part-time job with an amazing boss! I feel very fortunate and blessed. Now let’s see if I can get all the sleep I need.

The Circus

I am such a kid at heart. I love the circus. I took the kids last year and anticipated its return for a year. I laugh and am amazed right along with all the children. I participate in the chicken dance when other adults don't. I don't remember going to the circus as a child. I've mostly lived in small towns, where it would have been a long drive to attend one. So with my children in tow, I get to re-live some of those fun parts of childhood. This year the kids are at the perfect age to enjoy this type of festivity (almost as much as I do). So we got to ride an elephant-all of us. The trapeze artists were comical and the hula-hoop girl was impressive. I know it was entirely too much money to spend on a frivolity but then again it's once a year. In a couple of months I'll be able to blog about the fair! Now if only I can find someone who'll ride the roller coaster rides with me. Big cheesy grin!

Fun Summer Days

I took the kids to the zoo yesterday. It was a blast! I needed to get a baby shower gift so the kids and I trekked up to a big town about 70 miles from where we live. I forgot how much I enjoy going to the zoo. Right now the kids are at a great age to visit the zoo-especially our particular zoo because it is extremely kid-friendly! I enjoy the flowers as much-if not more-than the animals! Many different sections of the zoo are dedicated to someone and cared for by their loved ones. So the variety is great. When we went the irises were in full bloom. Of course I forgot my camera or I’d have some amazing photos to wow you.  Oh well. I’ll do my best to draw word pictures for you-although my professors always told me I was just too wordy...and couldn’t draw. Bear with me! The zoo is built on both sides of a lake with plenty of bridges and outlooks. Near the water you’ll find food you can feed the ducks and geese. Having gone when we did there were numerous goslings and ducklings trailing their mamas through the water. My kids especially loved feeding the babies. One family of geese in particular joined us on the overlook and hissed at us when we tried to walk by. We continued on. In past visits the fish and fowl fought for the food, if only I could be at water level to take a photo it would look like they are kissing-well without all the wing-flapping!

The day we attended was mere days before they opened the “Splash Pond”. It’s a water park for the kids with water coming up from the ground and dumped from overhead, etc. There’s a large playground in the middle next to the petting/feeding zoo. We enjoyed our lunch in the old stagecoach, watching the male peacock sing his song while he strutted around with his plumes spread upright. The sight was amazing! I was really bummed that I didn’t have my camera so I could join the others having their children stand in front of him for the photo op. After the petting zoo and plenty of hand sanitizer (provided by the zoo) we compared our “wingspan” to those of a bee hummingbird, eagle, vulture and condor among others. Although my daughter wasn’t so keen on the idea, we put our heads into a lion’s mouth...to get a drink out of the drinking fountain. Ah to have remembered the camera! 

Past the lions head we encountered some very randy monkeys. I won’t go into detail! But upon leaving I felt a bit violated. I quickly ushered the children on to the next exhibit. I thought they’d enjoy the apes, but instead were drawn to a small cage with a hedgehog running circles-seemingly to capture our attention. The kids asked what it was and when I told the it was a hedgehog, my daughter proclaimed that it looked more like a “pork chop”. I think she was trying to say porcupine but it didn’t come out right. I laughed about that for a while! 

The zoo is shaped in a pseudo-circle, as to allow many exhibits to be viewed from more than one location. While outside admiring the lions, there were people viewing them from behind glass in a building to our left. The best part of the day was when my son looked at the people and said, “Wow Mom, what’s that’s exhibit?” referring to the people inside. I chuckled about the “human exhibit” well, I’m still chuckling about it! Kids say the darnedest things!

You know though while I was sitting on a bench watching wild animals and birds act like we are their friends it occurred to me that these animals live in protected areas and likely always have. They’ve been taught not to fear humans. I saw a correlation between how those animals acted and how I view Christianity. I’ve lived as though satan and sin are not to be avoided because I’m “protected” by God. There’s probably more that could be applied to my life, but for that that’s enough! 

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"The zoo is a place for animals to study the behavior of human beings." Unknown

Hopefully soon I'll catch up

Not tonight dears, I have a headache. I had great intentions (for the past number of weeks) to blog. I’ve got a list of events I’d like to write about. So one of these days I will be up for it. Tonight however, I’m headed to bed! Sweet dreams to you all!

Making room for different

"We would rather be ruined than changed; we would rather die in our dread than climb the cross of the moment and let our illusions die." W.H. Auden
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If it isn’t good then it must be bad, if it isn’t happy then it must be sad, if it isn’t right then it must be wrong...at least that’s how I’ve lived most of my life. This weekend though I’ve seen something different. Since I envision events in my life happening a certain way, when it doesn’t go that way then it must be wrong. This weekend was anything but what I expected it to be, but instead of seeing it as being “wrong” I’m seeing that different can be good. At least in this case-I am the sufferingly melancholy pessimist so bear with me on these positive baby steps! 

I received a coupon to a local beauty parlor (do they still call them that?) that I wanted to use. Since I’ve been battling headaches and neck tension I figured it would behoove (great word isn’t it!) me to get a massage. Ahh, those relaxing massages. Following the massage Friday night the masseuse told me that I’d be feeling “flu-ish” since the massage was so deep. Normally I do get a headache after a massage so this was a different message I received. I tend to expel my toxins through my gastrointestinal system so I expected to have an upset stomach. I didn’t quite prepare for just exactly how ill I would feel. Not my plan but it worked out better than my plan. 

My son was so sweet! He helped me up the stairs after breakfast Saturday, put me into bed, massaged my shoulders, brought me his special pillow, and read books to me. I stayed there all day. My husband took the kids to the library, local hardware store, put movies on and let me sleep. Sunday was a bit better other than the lingering sore throat. I stayed in bed until lunchtime reading Max Lucado’s book Come Thirsty. God and I had a good chat, although I’m far from completely surrendering to His will (since it seems so vague), but that’s for another day, another blog. Anyway, not one to stay inactive for long, soon I was outside doing yard work. Got a tree planted (thank you hubby). Feeling good enough (anything other than death is good enough) to play volleyball I played some two-on-two for a couple hours. Something special was waiting for me when I got home from volleyball. I’ve been wanting to get my half-barrel fountain up and running but lacked the motivation to actually do it...well it was sitting there gurgling away. Then after my husband took a run, we enjoyed watching a family movie (Wall E) and then went to bed early.

My to-do list remains longer than I’d like. In the past, I’d kick myself for not getting “anything” done this weekend, but I got plenty done. I let my family do things for me-some that needed to get done and some that were frivolous. So hopefully next time I’ll remember that although the event isn’t going “right” that it doesn’t automatically make it “wrong”. And if I can remember that for more than a week, I’ll be celebrating! 

No news isn't always good news

I’m discouraged, losing heart and really, really want to run away! My husband and I spoke with a lawyer today-about that whole dentist issue. It wasn’t very good. I’ll roughly quote him: “You won’t likely find a lawyer in this town to deal with this. I sure won’t because he’s my dentist.” Not looking so good. I did manage to hold off that torrential flood of tears until after we left his office. That’s how our judicial system works...the innocent ones get walked on and have to take it. There’s little we can do at this point that won’t cost more than what we’re trying to get back from the guy. Ahh America, where the pervert continues to victimize his clients and the victims get hushed, so he can continue his violations. As to the lawyer, can anyone say “second opinion”? 

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"By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning." Lao-Tzu

A New Perspective

We all have our quirks. I moved around a lot growing up. If my calculations are correct I attended 14 schools in 12 years. From very early on, I’ve felt the need to rearrange my surroundings. Whether it be furniture or bedrooms or wall hangings, matters not-what matters is that everything must be different. I’ve chalked that up to moving around a lot and living with parents (both from military families) who also moved a lot growing up. My dad was military so my parents continued to move quite a bit. I’ve never seen this as more than a quirk. 

I read something recently that got me to thinking about the whys behind that desire. I’m going to quote from a book here. I’m guessing that this will be copyright infringement, but I really feel the need to share this with you. It comes from a book of short devotional/inspirational type “chapters” geared toward moms. Anyway, it touches on this “need” in a way I’ve not thought of. Here it is:

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    From Graham Crackers Galoshes and God by Bernadette McCarver Snyder

    "Yes, I know. It's [garage sale-ing] a MADNESS, a craving. I should kick the habit and give up garages. But even now, in the clean white snow of winter, I long for a dark dirty garage with a SALE sign on it!

    Dear Lord, why do we always yearn for MORE? My house is full of ten-cent treasures, so why do I have the itchy-finger virus, always looking for MORE? My closet is full of clothes (some that fit, some that don't), so why do I always think one more outfit might make me look ten pounds thinner? Forgive my love of shopping, my need to change things around, my plotting and planning to do something DIFFERENT. Maybe it's a sign, Lord, of my yearning for YOU. In always searching, maybe it is You I am searching for. ***My need to change the house may be a symbol of my inner need to change myself.*** My need to add to my possessions may be a result of my need to possess YOU more. Help me sort out my priorities, Lord. Help me empty my life a bit, so I will have more time for prayer and more room to be filled by thoughts of you.

    But forgive me, Lord, if my car automatically turns in at a garage sale once in a while. Woman does not live by prayer alone."

***italics mine***

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Good times Great Volleyball!!

My four-person co-ed volleyball team won the championship recently! We enjoyed a great lunch yesterday-taking liberties as we remembered our wins. As one team mate quoted, “History is written by the victor.” So we rehashed the games and how great we are. A very humble group if I do say so myself. It was a wonderful time to acquaint myself with my team mates off the court! 

Colored Chicks for Easter

My son is out of school today and Monday for Easter vacation. I remembered that a friend called me a couple weeks ago and mentioned that the local mercantile had their colored Easter chicks in stock. So I packed the kids up just before lunch and headed over to the mercantile to check them out. The kids really loved all the brightly colored chicks and not-so-brightly-colored ducklings. We asked what it would take to care for chickens, and after a five minute conversation we learned all we needed to-that it wasn’t legal for us to have chickens in the city. Oh well, they were still fun to look at! Happy Easter to you all!

Small-town Dynamics

"Be not deceived; God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Galatians 6:7
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Although the last blog was embarrassing, this one will be downright awkward and uncomfortable! The weak or judgmental need not read further.

For the rest of you, please know that I’m sharing my heart and the raw fear and pain that dwells there. I don’t even know where to start, so very “me-style”, I’ll just start blurting it all out.

I live in a small town. Where everyone knows everything about everyone else. Lots of gossip, but nobody wants to step on toes. Because surely the grocer knows the pharmacist knows the preacher knows the doctor...and seems like in this town they’re all related somehow! I’ve never been bothered by that fact, until recently.

I want to be vague here to not offend anyone, but it is my blog so if people figure out what I’m talking about then it’s not slander, right? I suppose it would be right to say that I’m just stating my experiences and am in no way trying to ruin the reputation of anyone I may be talking about. That’s not really true though because I’d like to see this person hurt...and badly! But if I have any lawyers reading this, please tell me if I can’t say these things and I will edit them.

Back to my story. I’ve been seeing a dentist who’s been helping with my TMJ issues. This doctor takes liberties in how familiarly he speaks with me. I assume he’s that way with all of his clients and I’ve chalked it up to the fact that it’s a small town and maybe he didn’t go to his “professionalism” class in college. At any rate, he’s had conversations with me that made me uncomfortable and I felt were unprofessional. I hadn’t said anything because he’s the only doctor in a four hour radius that does this type of treatment. Well, one day he crossed the line by looking down my shirt while massaging my shoulders under the shirt. I immediately felt violated but too shocked to say anything. I cried as soon as I got in the van after the appointment. I didn’t know what to do. I told myself that I wouldn’t go back to him. That maybe what he did triggered something from my past, but wasn’t really all that bad. It’s the doctor-patient part that makes this so terrible. He’s using his position and chair to violate women. And I’m not the first. Thank you everyone who came forward AFTER something happened to tell me you aren’t surprised! Sigh.  Most of my life I’ve denied any abuse in my past, but in recent years God’s been trying to work to get me to deal with it. I’ve struggled, gained ground, given up, tried again, gotten angry or passive; mostly just shut down emotionally from having to deal with it. 

This time, as much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t just shut down emotionally and sweep it all under a rug. So after much debate, struggle, prompting, encouragement and support, I decided to confront this doctor about what he did. I didn’t want to burn bridges with others in the office, but I knew I had to say something. I prepared myself for him to deny everything. But more than anything else, I wanted him to have to look me in the eye when I told him I knew what he did and it was wrong. I felt empowered from having confronted him, but naively believed that would be the end of it. I also wanted a refund because I was discontinuing my treatment with him. Well, he gave me the names of a couple others (in another state mind you). I received my “refund” today and it was less than half of what I should have gotten back since I prepaid for two phases of this treatment and I was only maybe a third of the way through the first phase. I should have gotten more back. I don’t know what to do from here. 

Hopefully in blogs to come I’ll have a positive update on these goings on. At least that’s what I’m hoping. As it sits now, I have to pay 1)for treatment I didn’t receive, 2)emotionally for what he did, and 3)in suffering since my jaw is hurting because I have no doctor to see and no money to start over with another doctor. 

No one ever said life would be fair, but I’ve wanted to believe that it has to be fairer than this. Any of you out there who prays, please do so...I need it!

Shopping Extravaganza

It was likely the threat that I was going to buy a single, one-way ticket to Hawaii that encouraged my husband to offer me some time to myself. Maybe it was because I kept snapping at everybody. My life has definitely not turned out the way I expected...or even wanted. Granted most of that is my own doing. But some of it isn’t. 

Well, whichever the case, I was feeling particularly trapped at that time. My husband offered to have me go on a Saturday for an overnight. Go somewhere to get alone, do some shopping, think. I did that. I headed to some outlet malls about two and a half hours from here. I spent the entire day walking around, thinking, praying, worrying. I actually was looking for a long skirt. I don’t have many. My rebellious spirit “made me” throw all of them out after I finished college (where I was forced to wear them), but I’ve begun to realize that I enjoy wearing skirts. I’ve been wanting to change my image a little-be more on the outside who I think I am on the inside. There were a few other things I was looking for as well. 

Well, I did a lot of looking and not a whole lot of finding...at first. Somehow the more I spent time pondering the hard things in my life, the more I found things I wanted to buy. My usual coping mechanisms include, overeating and oversleeping, sports, and cleaning definitely not overspending-frugal would better describe me. Anyway, I didn’t really recognize that perhaps I was finding more things I wanted to buy as a way of coping with the hard things I was dealing with and thinking about. All I saw was that I was finally able to find a pair of adorable dress shoes that fit me, a very unique belt, the cutest handbag/purse, sunglasses that I liked and didn’t think they’d fall apart after one wearing, and a practical black top to match the fabric I planned to buy to make myself a long skirt, and a few other things I’d been searching for---all at 55% off or more! I was so excited. 

Pleased with my purchases, I decided to head home thinking I’d had enough time away from the kids. It was more likely that I’d had too much time to think about stuff I didn’t want to ponder. Happy that I’d get to make it to the blessing of a friends newborn at their church the next morning. I hadn’t replied to the invite so it was going to be a surprise when I showed up for it. Overall it was a good trip, although I didn’t keep a very good tally on what I’d spent. I don’t often buy things for myself, so the belt was replacing one I’ve had since junior high (yeah that’s a good 15 years ago at least). I’ve been looking for decent sunglasses. And it is frustratingly hard to find shoes I like, that fit and are comfortable. Or if I do buy myself something it is off the clearance rack at Walmart. I have a few items of quality-like that belt-which I’ve kept for decades, because I like them not because they are the trend. Okay yes, so I am justifying my spending choices.

Meanwhile back at the house, my husband had endured a trying day with the kids. Desperately trying to do something that would make me smile, he cleaned out my fountain that, while it was turned off, had algae growing on it. He felt guilty for buying cheap frozen pizzas for the kids and him to have that night for dinner, since we’ve been on a very tight budget since the beginning of the year. To say he was also stressed, doesn’t even come close to describe how he’s been feeling. So it didn’t sit well at all for me to come home with numerous bags from shopping. The fight that followed was among the worst of all of our fights. We’ve had plenty of bad ones, so that’s saying a lot. Perhaps, because we were both on edge, it got blown out of the water. 

Well, I couldn’t defend myself because he was right. I shouldn’t have spent any money-and just stuck with window shopping. Acting like a grade-schooler, I told him I’d never do anything for myself anymore and that I’d take everything back-well except the fabric (which I couldn’t return), CD (which I found later online for half of the price I paid) and the kites I bought the kids. I offered to take it back the next day. The next morning dawned-much too soon after that argument. The kids wanted to go with me to take everything back. I had to humbly explain how Mommy made some bad choices and needed to be more aware of our money and I shouldn’t have purchased the items in the first place. My husband (thinking I wasn’t really in the frame of mind to adequately care for the kids while running this errand) offered to go with us. We packed a picnic and set out. A very tense couple of hours. I returned everything I could. Gave the kids the picnic in the car. Found an oil change place next to a McDonald’s, then headed back. 

I don’t really know if I’ve learned my lesson because I still wish I’d kept most of those items. There is little I can do about it now, but in hindsight I would have done something differently. True to my word, I haven’t played volleyball since then. That’s “doing something for me”-and I am stubborn. I didn’t honor my commitment to not buy myself anything though. The other day, I found a couple tops (the $1-$3 clearance rack at Walmart of course) that will go with that fabric I wrote of earlier. 

It still hurts to think of this, much more to share it with you. But it’s what’s been going on. And it’s my blog so you’ll get the good, the bad and the ugly. 

That time of year again... TAXES!

I usually enjoy doing my taxes. Each February I eagerly await those W2’s and other tax papers so I can begin the process of preparing our taxes. It’s never been easy, but I like working with numbers. This year began the same...waiting for all the pertinent information to arrive. I typically use Turbo Tax, but this year things weren’t going right. I put in the numbers and what I owed kept going up-even after I put in deductions. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what to do. So like a good procrastinator (which I turn into when I don’t know what to do), I didn’t do anything. My friend asked me to help her with her taxes since she knows how much I love to do them, but I didn’t have the heart to help her. So she went to the free tax help at the library. She told me later that she was getting quite a sum returned. Then I knew I had to do something. So I went and got all the forms and instructions. Read through it all and had it finished, but wanted to make sure I did everything correctly so I showed up to get help at the library too. Going into it I owed about four hundred dollars. There were two women helping with taxes. I was second on the list so I got in first. Three others came and went with the other lady while I was being helped. The woman was very nice and helpful, and she decided to e-file for me instead of having me fill out new forms. I’m very thankful for her help-I wanted to make sure it was right. But when I walked out of there, I owed almost six hundred dollars. Still better than the almost one thousand that turbo tax said I owed. I knew I was going to owe but it was a bit disconcerting to walk out owing more than I expected. Better now than next year with interest! All said and done, they’re finished and the payments are in the mail-one more thing off my to-do list. Let’s hope next years taxes are better!

Making Friends

I’m trying to make more friends. Right now there are a handful of people I could call up and say, “Hey, it’s me” and they’d know who I was. Anyway, at work one night I was invited out the next Friday for a birthday celebration for a girl I work with. I work nights at the distribution center so there seems to be a sense of camaraderie with us women. Anyway I gave her my number and she said she’d call Friday with the details, mentioning her plan was to start at a specific bar and then bar hop a bit and end up at the bar with a club for dancing. (I know, I live in a small town with tons of bars! People in the next state actually come here to go to our club to dance.) 

The night of her birthday party, I didn’t get a call. But since I dressed up (which is rare these days), I decided that surely I’d find them if I went to all the bars. So I went out by myself to the bars. That’s a first for me. Normally I call a friend to see if she’s going out or to see if we can meet. We’re stronger in numbers you know. So this was a break through for me to do this alone. I showed up at the bar and felt pretty stupid walking around looking at everyone. So I got a drink (trying not to look too conspicuous) and sat down. 

What followed is a reminder why I don’t go to bars alone. Every guy in the room (and it didn’t matter if they were with a girl or not) followed me with their heads/eyes. Ah just like Mexico! So one guy I’ll not soon forget, short fat and ugly, walked up and said, “Damn girl, you hot!” When I walked off he turned to his buddies and lamented that “it didn’t work”. Buddy, you really thought it would?!? Sitting at the bar didn’t help, so I sat at a table. A “business man” from out of state sat down. He proceeded to tell me that he was making great money selling Kirby vacuums door-to-door here. I commented that there was a lot of dust around here. To which he replied, “Nah, it’s just ‘cause I jack the prices way up out here. Can’t do that where I live.” A great salesman, like a great magician, should never tell his secrets. I quickly finished my Mai Tai and moved on to the next bar. 

Disappointment settled in when I didn’t find them there and heard that the club was closed. Conclusion: I never did find the birthday girl to celebrate with her. 

My moral to this story is ...well there is no moral. I’ll just have to make sure I get the other person’s number as well and check where they are before leaving the house! I’m beginning to think good friends are hard to come by. Makes it even harder to make girl friends when their guys are checking me out...I’m not the competition ladies. Trust me, I’m not!

Saddled with Decision

This title is very descriptive of my last couple of weeks. But I’m here to say that I lived through it all and I’m getting back on the saddle again! I’ve not been writing much on my blog partly because I’ve been busy living things I’ll want to blog about and partly because all of two people read this (that I know of), and those two I talk to on a regular basis. One friends commented recently that I’ve never mentioned her in my blogs-aha, a fan! Don’t worry, my friend, I will. Tee hee. I’m uncertain why it bothers me that few people read this blog. I say I blog for myself, so I shouldn’t be bothered. Thing is though, I’m making assumptions based solely on information I have-definitely not all the information. My sister sent me an email yesterday and she mentioned that she checks the blog and that I haven’t written in a while. Tons has been going on so I’ll break it down into bite-sized chunks, and post them as I can. Planning to do that the next couple of days because the weather is turning bad again. Thank you friend, for reminding me not to forget my cyber-fan! 

It's been years...

...since I’ve used my sewing machine on a regular basis. I know it’s been since college (I was a home economics major). I decided about a month ago to make my daughter a dress for Easter. Why I got this notion in my head I’ll never know. Well, I take that back, I remember a photo of my mom, sister and me wearing matching Easter dresses when I was about six. I’d like to be that kind of Mom. Maybe I should have thought about doing this sooner. Maybe I should have bought a pattern as opposed to trusting the image in my head. It turned out differently than I’d envisioned. My machine and I disagreed on how to handle the delicate chiffon fabric that’s over the satin dress. The machine wanted to tear it up, I didn’t. So rather than hand sew the entire overlay of chiffon, my daughter was pleased with having the strips of chiffon over the front lower portion of the dress. Ah compromise...and I’m okay that it’ll likely only last one wearing. Now, just to keep her from it until Sunday or at least the photo of her in it!

My son's first soccer game

How fun is it to watch my five-year-old play on a soccer league? Very fun! They’ve had their first game and my son had such fun. I enjoyed talking with a friend, while trying to keep from laughing. Those little ones did their best but more often than not they were headed to the wrong goal. I’m thrilled that my son wanted to play soccer (like daddy), and also that his daddy is his coach. Makes for some good family fun. I’ve got black-mail footage of my husband the coach at the team’s first practice. Great to see him hopping like a bunny and telling the kids to act like carrots. Yeah, so maybe you had to be there-which you will be when I can get those posted...on youtube.com of course! Ha, I think he’d kill me. During the game, my daughter ran around the spacious field with her best friend. Both of my children were worn out at the end of the day. And anything that can wear them out...well, I’m all for it! And it's a great memory to have that my son won his very first soccer game!

Should I consider retiring?

They say to quit while you’re ahead, but I wonder if I’d even be able to stop playing volleyball just because I’m doing good. Not likely at all. But I will say that I’m so proud of my volleyball teams! Before moving here, I’d played a lot of volleyball and naturally thought this small town wouldn’t have much volleyball. I couldn’t have been more wrong! I think it’s the number one sport for adults in this town-although I don’t know if they consider hunting to be a sport. 

Well anyway, since moving here, I’ve played on many different teams. I didn’t know anyone when we  moved here so I didn’t play for months. then my husband heard of someone who played and when I played with her it was embarrassing. She’d played in college and is a bit younger than I. I was encouraged that if she played that well then surely there would be some good competition in the leagues. I started looking for a team and managed to pull together an eclectic group of women-some of whom hadn’t played before. We signed up for the lower level division at the local community center. Frustrated doesn’t come close to what I felt being in that group at first, but we had a cool name. We were “Spiked Punch” because some of the women did resort to punching the ball. We started with 9 players rotating through. After only a couple of weeks we were down to four who came regularly. Yes, that was my core group-then one moved away. I still miss you my friend! 

With us three and three new recruits , we moved up to the middle level. My new team, Steve’s Auto (we got sponsored!) was doing good. Our team got along extremely well. We acted as though we’d been playing together for years when in fact it’d been a couple months max. We did fairly well overall, not winning every week but not getting crushed either. Surprisingly, we went to the championship game of the tournament without a loss. We managed to lose 4 of the 6 games, losing to a team we’d beat before. We took runner-up, which we were still proud of. 

For the summer, I played four-man, co-ed, sand volleyball at the local bowling alley. It was a blast...of wind in our eyes, playing in hail and thunderstorms. If I never do that again, it would be too soon! I had started working nights so it was often a rush to get the sand out of my toes and get to work on time. Sand volleyball took up two nights. Teams that played Wednesday and teams that played Thursday. Although we’d done well throughout the season, the tournament played the best half of Wednesday teams against the best half of Thursday’s. So going into the tournament we were ranked first for Thursday, but we’d have to play teams we’d not played before. We ended up in the championship where we handed the other team the first win. Double elimination meant we got another match to try and beat them. Which we did! My co-ed court team (of which I’m a trusty sub) pulled off a win as well! We’re having lunch tomorrow to celebrate this seasons co-ed court wins! 

Fall comes around again, and another team in the upper level asked me to play for them. One team mate was working nights with me (although full time) so she couldn’t play. Another was expecting a baby so she couldn’t play. Our team kind of disbanded. It was sad! The team I joined was looking for more players and could take any of the women who wanted to move up with me. Only one didn’t (although she did later). So another new team. Great players! We hadn’t played together before our first game but we’re all very skilled players so it worked out well! Another session into it, my women’s team entered the tournament the league champions and we took the tournament by storm as well. 

Wow, what a journey, but I know I’ve found the place for me. Winning-well, for me playing-can get addictive, so I won’t be retiring anytime soon!

Friends and a give away

I have a very good friend. Her birthday was recently and she is having a give away on her website. The link is : http://troystweets.blogspot.com/   Scroll down to Saturday’s post. I get an extra entry into the drawing if I blog about her give away. Hehe. 

No really though, friends are so important. I’ve had many acquaintances in my life, but many fewer true friends. It takes me a long time to get to know people and let them get to know me. Well, trust people and let them know the real me. I’m friendly enough, just don’t let people in beyond what’s comfortable. So this friend, is one in a million! She’s stuck by me through tough times and when she thought I was a complete fool. But that’s a true friend-someone who hugs you when they tell you you’re being stupid. I very much appreciate her friendship! So, if you’re reading this...Happy Birthday my friend! For the rest of you out there reading this, I wish a friend like her into all of your lives!

Like a storm cloud

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." C.S. Lewis, Weight of Glory, "Is Theology Poetry?"
*****

I’ve always liked Math and English Grammar. I realized at one point in my life that it has to do with the rules. You can manipulate numbers to get answers; you can manipulate letters to create. I always liked knowing the rules. Probably because of my control-freak nature. There aren’t quite so many clear-cut rules to life. Yes, the golden rule, and the Bible, give us guidance. So why am I having such a hard time with allowing the people in my life to make their own choices? I admit I cared little for when I felt that way in the past. I see the need to break this vicious cycle. I’m like a storm cloud, pretty but threatening. No, we can’t control the weather but I do control how I react to the storms in my life. There are times to run and hide and others it’s completely harmless to stay. It’s clear though that I struggle to see where boundaries are-to really let those I love make the decisions that they think are best. It’s a stretch for me. Much like the new growth I see around me outside. Plants starting to stretch and reach for the sun. Therein lies my answer: As I get stretched, success comes in reaching for the Son.  

*****

"It's not only [others] who grow. [We] do too. As much as we watch to see what [they] do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell [them] to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself." Joyce Maynard

Where has the time gone?

"Just remember, in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies a seed, that with the sun's love, in the spring becomes a rose." Some Say Love lyrics
*****

Wow, has it really been more than two weeks since I’ve written last? I’ve been catching up on other things. But I’ve missed writing. I ran some errands today and when I came home I noticed growth. In front of our porch, tulips are starting to poke up their heads. I very much enjoy flowers-craving the sun and counting days until I can start my seedlings indoors! I forced some bulbs for the first time last year. I put my cherished bulbs into pots, then left them in the freezer to have them bloom earlier than they would in the ground. I failed to water them...so when I pulled them out, well they aren’t doing so good. A number of the pots have mold growing on them or around the bulbs, others just aren’t responding. One pot however, has done well. Reminds me of the parable about seeds being planted in different soils. What makes this different is that they were all potted at the same time, with the same soil, into well-washed containers. But they are different bulbs. Makes me think that the conditions may be right, but if we plant the “wrong” bulb it simply won’t survive or thrive-or worse yet, it will. I’d probably have a more astounding interpretation to all of this, if I weren’t so darned tired. Typically I do quite a bit of analyzing. So this isn’t like me to leave a thought half-processed yet share it with you. Huh, that’s growth too. On that note, I’m going to pore over my seed catalogs and dream of warmer weather and longer days, with many a flower adorning my vases. Happy soon-to-be spring to you all!

Family Matters

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time." Sara Paddison
*****

I have a grandma. Most of us do, I know. I have few memories of her prior to 7 years of age when we moved to live closer to my maternal grandparents. I love her in the family way. You know, they’re family so you have to love them. Truth be told though, I’ve never really liked her. I have few good memories of her. I’m sure there were lots of good times through the years, somehow though other memories burn in my recollection. 

I love cats-always have. On my grandparents’ farm there lived many wild cats. I remember one time illness hit and almost all of them died. The ones that survived wanted even less to do with humans. My grandma doesn’t even know this, but I vividly remember watching through my bedroom window while my grandmother emotionlessly snapped the neck of a kitten and put it in the burn barrel. That image haunted me for years and will be forever etched into my minds’ eye. I was about nine years old, it hurt me. I never felt I could say anything. I’m sure as an adult I would be better able to grasp why what she did was necessary. I didn’t understand, nor wanted to, at the time.

I know that “hurt people, hurt people.” It’s hard to remember that when you’re the one being hurt at the time. When I was eleven or twelve my grandma (due to a misunderstanding) disowned my family. That was devastating. Weird thing though is that I find myself withdrawing from people much like she did. Even after my mom and she reconciled their relationship I’ve held back from knowing her. I live as though if I don’t let her close again, she can’t hurt me. Self-preservation, protection-likely justified, but still not healthy.

My grandma is very strong and opinionated. To her credit she does her best to do what she feels God would want her to do. I feel at times she is the extremist-especially in her harsh judge-mentalism (another trait I’ve inherited). I’ve made some stupid decisions in my life-some of which she whole-heartedly disagreed with. She (like I) has a hard time distinguishing the “sinner from the sin”. I always felt she didn’t love me when she didn’t like what I was doing. That’s my interpretation of her actions-I admit I’m often wrong. And fortunately, she’s quick to reinstate your status in the family when you “correct your behavior” (which in some cases means just make her happy).

I feel that so much of the baggage with my grandmother comes from the fact that I’m “just like her”. She has tons of great qualities:she sticks to her values, persistent, focused, gets stuff done. I like that I inherited those traits. For better or worse I’ve got the natural instincts to be like she is. At times I want to embrace it, but more often I have to fight off those unpleasant desires-choosing instead to pray for God’s direction in any given situation.

All that said, I’ve been “black listed” for a while now. My grandmother sent me a direct, lovingly honest email letting me know her side of all that’s transpired over the last many months. Basically letting me know that she forgives and loves me. I haven’t written back. I want to but somehow don’t have adequate words to express what I want to get across. I fear there may be a day soon when I won’t be able to communicate as easily as I do now. Growth is needed on my part...much work in the area of forgiveness. Pray God gives me the right words and the right timing.

Calling In - sick again

"...Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst." Apostle Paul in 1 Timothy 1:15

*****

I’m sitting here at the computer while my family is at church this morning without me. I know it should be terrible, but I don’t mind the peace and quiet. I’m feeling a little ill. In fact, I’ve been fighting a cold all week. My boss is very understanding, yet I had a hard time calling in sick to work. I work one night a week, yet somehow managed to call in sick twice this past week! How’d I manage that, you ask? Well, when I called in sick on my scheduled night I asked if I could make up those hours on a different night-on which I was still sick and had to call in again. Either I don’t want to let people down, or I think extremely highly of myself.

I battle sickness quite a bit and I never want people to question the validity of my ailment. Sounds so childish-I mean, I never remember skipping school, or claiming I was sick when I wasn’t so I could get out of doing something. But somehow it’s stuck. There’s one person in my past who used to “accuse” me of making it up. I didn’t. Why would I let one person’s opinion affect me every time I’m a bit under the weather? I wish I weren’t like that, but I do care what people think-sometimes a bit too much, I suppose. I’ll get over it-the sickness I mean, I’m not so sure about whether or not I’ll “get over” caring what people think about me. It is a great motivator...when it’s used correctly. 

I don’t think God minds that I’m calling in sick from going to church today. I’d prefer not to deal with the “religiosity” of church. At times, it feels like everyone is putting on their happiest “face” along with their best clothes and go try to impress each other. We’re all hurting in some way or another, why all the facade? I know we’re commanded to fellowship with other believers, and it’s great to sit under an inspired Biblical scholar. I’ve found church can distract me from communicating with God (see above where I care what people think). I’ve taken to downloading sermons from our old church in another state and listening to them slowly. By slowly I mean, really chewing on what’s being said, stop the ipod and pray about something God’s put on my heart and pondering the sermon afterward-as opposed to hearing it live wondering what’s for lunch. Okay, so maybe I’m the only person who doesn’t go home after church and think on the things I just heard. Somehow life gets involved and I find myself getting lunch and dealing with the kids and not spending the time I want to listening to what God desires to tell me. I talk with God all the time. Probably the real-est I’ve ever been with Him. I know He’d prefer (and deserves) my undivided attention when He’s trying to share something with me. I pray I always find time for that-be it in the church surrounded by people, or being in the desert surrounded by creation. Caring what God knows of me continues to be the absolute best motivator for lasting change.

All in a name

"Names are an important key to what a society values. Anthropologists recognize naming as 'one of the chief methods for imposing order on perception'." David S. Slawson
*****

I’d say I have an unusual name. It’s really not all that common and it’s spelled funny. I’ve always like my name, and been proud to have a rare name. Of course I couldn’t ever find knick-knacks with my name, you know little license plates or key rings. I ran a search for my (maiden) name recently-one on the great world wide web; the other on Facebook (of which I am a member). I can’t find myself. I can find other people with “my” name. In fact, there’s a lady named in quite a few in relation to Walt Disney World. I’m shallow enough not to have read the article, but it looked like she does some cool things. But where am I? Surely though I’d be on Facebook, but just typing in my first and last maiden names it found some other girl! What gives?

Truth be told, I’ve always loved my sister’s name. Not necessarily more than my own, but definitely up there. My older sister, isn’t online. Living in a beautiful state with five energetic children, why would she stay on the computer much. But anyway, I googled her name and she’s on the first page. Older and first at everything! She’s actually listed on her high schools track records page. I’m still proud of her. 

It’s amazing how much time and thought goes into naming a child. I’ve known people who knew what their children’s names would be before they ever met their husbands. I’ve known people who wait until the child is born to see what name would fit what the child looks like. I’ve known people everywhere in between. 

Apparently in my case, unless I am a super-star track runner (nearing 15 years later mind you) like my sister, I’ll likely be overlooked in the great web engine searches-no matter my name. ‘Tis a shame the fame is wasted on those who aren’t even noticing. <wink>

What's so great about four"

It hasn’t been intentional, but I’ve texted every four days so far. I don’t look at the calendar and think it’s been four days I need to blog. I just write when I feel like writing. The number four symbolizes the principle of putting ideas into form. It signifies work and productivity. So I thought I’d give you some more facts about the number four.

Four Fun Facts For Four

1. Four is the smallest number of colors sufficient to color all planar maps with no adjoining countries sharing the same color.
2. If you multiply the number 21978 by 4, it turns backwards!
3. The “four-second rule” is the amount of time that internet users will wait for a page to load before leaving and going to another site.
4. Think of any number and write it out in WORDS. Count the number of letters it contains and write that down in WORDS. And so on: You will always arrive at 4.

Example: 

     ~TWENTY-EIGHT (11 letters) - >

    ~ELEVEN (6 letters) - >

    ~SIX (3 letters) - >

    ~THREE (5 letters) - >

    ~FIVE (4 letters) - >

    ~FOUR (4 letters) - >

For all you riddle lovers out there... Show how one-half of five is four!

I’ve been enjoying writing this blog greatly. You’ll likely hear from me in 4 days with the answer to the riddle!

PS-my dear friend is going to have her baby in- you guessed it-FOUR days. 

Black Bag Moments

"Sometimes the journey begins within." Unknown
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I can’t remember when exactly it started, but I definitely remember why. I’m an introvert, you see. So when I became a mom I found my personal space totally invaded. Gone were the days where I didn’t have a little person follow me everywhere-even into the restroom. As a stay-at-home mom, I find nearing the end of the day, I need some time to be alone. I love my children very much and I love being loved by them; but sometimes I’m ready to tear my hair out. 

Many years ago, in the effort of conserving space in the bathroom with little storage, I placed all my nail polishes, bubble baths, face masks, etc in a black purse I rarely used. One particularly trying evening when my husband got home from work, he noticed how frazzled I was. (He likely figured it out from some evil eye or outlandish comment about dinner I gave him.) He walked into the bedroom, retrieved the bag, handed it to me and said, “Disappear with this and I don’t want you to come out for at least 30 minutes!” It was said lovingly, but somehow I balked at the idea of taking time for me.

Jump ahead to a couple of days ago. My husband walked in the door, something in my look told him what I needed. He handed me the old skeleton key to the downstairs bed/bathroom and said something along the lines of ‘go have yourself a black bag moment’. I take liberty in “quoting” what he said but it was something along those lines. Anyway, I lingered in a Black Amethyst scented bubble bath, after which I polished my toenails and lathered on the same-scented lotion-all before 6:36pm. I’ve gotten better about taking time for me but I really should take more advantage of those “black bag moments”.

Oh and for those of you wondering, yes, I do have a rubber duck in my bath! We’re never too old to be a kid sometimes.

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"Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere." C. S. Lewis

Balancing Act

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies." Unknown
*********

I recently pulled out my old yearbooks. Dusting them off, I read some of the comments people wrote in them. “Never change” and “Always stay the same” were common remarks throughout my junior high years. I viewed that a compliment. Recently though, I heard the phrase, “You’ll never change.” No end-of-year sentiments and definitely not junior high so there’s a new set of rules. This time around it’s not so much a compliment as a plea for something-anything-to be transformed. 

I’ve never been good with the whole “change” concept. I want what’s familiar; seldom stepping outside my comfort zone to experience the life unknown. I know I’m not alone here, many of us have our routines and would prefer others to leave them alone. I’m trying to find the balance between: spontaneity and structure, pleasing others and pleasing myself; giving and receiving, adaptation and stagnation. It’ll happen...and that right there is proof that when the time is right, the right things happen. Not one of us was destined to stay a caterpillar.

We would rather be ruined than changed;

We would rather die in our dread

Than climb the cross of the moment

And let our illusions die.

~W.H. Auden

Another Year Gone By

I celebrated a birthday recently. I’m thirty! I know I don’t look a day over... 29 and a half! 

It wasn’t the day I’d envisioned for myself with my husband busy putting a few catalogs to print, my son sick and my daughter having enough energy to power a small nation. I was disappointed that “my day” wouldn’t be everything I wanted it to be. In other words, I couldn’t selfishly put my wants before others needs. I mean it’s my 30th-that’s a milestone in my book-wasn’t I entitled to a little selfishness? Seemed like it was shaping up to look like just another average day. And, in a lot of ways it was, let me explain...

I was supposed to have the morning free with my son at school and my daughter playing at a friends house. So we didn’t spread germs, my daughter stayed home along with my son. I played games and watched videos with my kids instead of taking that coveted luxuriously pampering bubble bath. It didn’t really matter what games we played or movies we watched, I was spending some much-needed time with my precious kiddos. Something I didn’t realize I craved as much as they.

I have a dear friend, who asked a number of days before if I wanted to have lunch with her on my birthday. Of course I wanted to! She told me to invite whomever I wanted. I kinda thought it was a passing comment until the night before when I called to tell her that my son was sick so the plans might be changed. I’m chuckling under my breath while I type this, remembering that she asked who I’d invited. Being me, I’d waited until the last minute to invite anyone so every one of them (3 to be exact) said they couldn’t make it-one did end up showing up though! Anyway, she’d invited some mutual friends and we had a lovely small group gathered at the local mexican restaurant for lunch. What an unexpected surprise! That was so sweet. I got to wear a sombrero and the waiter put whipped cream from the dessert on my nose instead of in my mouth. Oh and if you’re wondering about the kids, my hubby came home to watch them while I went out. :)

I have a “wonderful” habit of making a long story longer, however I don’t want to forget any detail-mainly because the moral of this story is that little things add up to a lot. Getting back to my story... my mom called to say happy birthday. The first thing out of her mouth is that she had a surprise for me-my dad was also on the line. My dad works nights and sleeps days and rarely has time for more than a “hi, goodbye and I love you” as much as he would like to talk more, it’s rare for him to take the time to listen to my long-winded accounts of every little detail of my life. (Those reading this won’t wonder why! Ha!) I received a card in the mail from my sister. She’d just had her fifth little baby not two weeks prior and yet she still remembered to send a card. Very thoughtful. 

I let my daughter decorate my cake. It was a cake that followed my diet that I’d made months beforehand and had frozen. She put tasty lemon frosting on and sprinkles. She’s still working on her numbers, so the candles read “13”. It would make more sense if I were turning 31 but I’m not. Hum, oh well she was happy.

So earlier when I said that in a lot of ways, my birthday was just an average day, I meant that I would have chosen a much different scenario for my big 3-0, but upon reflection, I couldn’t have had a better birthday (or any average day) than being surrounded by family and friends who love me! 

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"Thirty was so strange for me. I've really had to come to terms with the fact that I am a walking and talking adult." C.S. Lewis

The Information Age

I was extremely optimistic when I started this blogging/website project. Not a week later, I’m a bit discouraged. As you’ll note when you get a chance to read this, that I’ve now written two blogs and the site isn’t online yet. I’m finding myself falling into perfectionism-again. I somehow wanted everything just right before I felt I could post it in the cyber world. What I’m realizing is that the more I get completed the more I want to complete. This will never be done, if I don’t change my mind frame. So, although it is against my A-squared nature, I just might try to figure out how to put this online (gasp) before it’s exactly like I want it. 

I revert back to my motivation in starting this project in the first place. Education mainly, but also to give family and friends far away a chance to be an “active” part of our family. How much less threatening it is to type alone at my computer than it would be to share this with all of you individually. Odd that I want to be known, yet without facing the rejection of interacting physically. Really though that’s a rabbit trail. 

So back to the educational side of things. Believing that I am learning (albeit slower than I’d like), I gain confidence in posting this before I’m “done.” Not only will I be able to look back at how much has changed on the site-because really if it were perfect when I put it up then what would I be learning-but also I won’t continue changing the site to better it. I’ll have learned just enough to get by and then life’s demands will force my attention away from this project. In essence, by posting this imperfect, it will be a continual motivator to come back here and learn something new.

So to all of you seasoned bloggers out there, I tip my (proverbial) hat to you. Your inspiration will continue to motivate me into leaving the familiar behind to go places I’m confident-that although unknown to me now-will become future comfort zones.

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"It is easy to be brave when far away from danger." Aesop